***Disclaimer: This post contains sensitive information that may be triggering***
Sesame Street just announced earlier this month that they had a new character to introduce: Karli. Karli is in foster care because her mom has an addiction. I quickly went to the Sesame Street Community website to learn more about Karli. Because I was Karli. I didn’t go into foster care, but my mom was an addict. As I watched the video with Elmo and his dad explaining parental addiction, the tears flowed, especially when Elmo asked if Karli’s mom will get better. There was another video of Elmo and Karli, and Karli explained to Elmo that it was not her fault her mom was sick. Man, I wish I had this growing up. Here is my story of growing up with an addicted parent, and how I am choosing to break the cycle of addiction.
The Beginning
My mom had addiction problems that started out small. First, it was nicotine addiction and food addiction. She also had severe untreated bipolar disease which made it hard to be home around her. I made myself scarce whenever I was able to. My mom started in on high doses of antidepressants when I was in high school, and this is when the troubles really started appearing. She would often “forget” to pick me up from events, or miss concerts or presentations. My mom’s illness would cause her to blame me for everything. Soon, I began to blame myself for her problems. I knew I needed to get out of the house and away from the abusive, addictive behavior, so I went away to college.
Then the opioid addiction started. I wasn’t home to notice how bad the addiction had gotten during my freshman year of college. When I came home for the summer though, I quickly found out. My mom would pass out all. the. time. Everywhere. While driving, while eating dinner, while smoking in the chair. The excuses and blame continued:
“I’m tired! You make me run around all the time!”
“Why don’t YOU live my damn life in the pain I feel!”
“Aren’t you special, going to college! You will still be nothing.”
Again, she would blame her mental illness and addiction problems on me. The verbal abuse turned into mental and physical abuse. I left the beginning of my sophomore year of college and never went back home.
The Middle Place
To protect myself, I put up a wall. A very strong wall. I would call to wish her a happy birthday or happy Mother’s Day, but each of my attempts was met with profanity and more blaming.
My wall came down somewhat when I got engaged to my husband, in hopes of having that mother/daughter relationship. But then the harassing phone calls started again. I knew it was the addiction talking–not my mom–and that those hurtful words shouldn’t hurt. But they did. I kept trying to break through to her, but the addiction was too strong. On my wedding day, she decided not to come to my wedding reception. My dad had to make excuses to all the family, but I knew better. She was high at home.
The Final Straw
I can remember the night clearly. My husband and I were watching a hockey game, when my phone rang. It was my dad saying my mom “passed out” on the way home from the doctor and he couldn’t wake her. I begged him to take her to the hospital. Instead, he brought her to my house. I went out to meet them in the driveway and had my husband call 911. She had overdosed and soiled herself. When the paramedics revived her, she screamed at me. This happened in front of my home, my neighbors, and my emotional wall. The paramedics took her away. My dad followed. After they left, I told my husband I was done–I cannot and will not do this anymore.
But it didn’t end there. How can I just walk away from my mom? My mom. How can I walk away from my parents? The craziness continued. I was in nursing school on a clinical rotation and found out that my mom was a patient on the floor, and going through detox. Again. I didn’t invite my parents to my nursing school graduation. I couldn’t bear the heartbreak of looking out into the audience and not seeing them, or worse: seeing my mom high. My mom and dad viewed this as the utmost insult. After a lot of hurtful words, we stopped talking. We didn’t speak again for 4 years.
The Peaceful End
When my mom was dying, I brought my daughter to meet her and my dad. Gwen was 1. My mom apologized for the years of abuse and finally she admitted she was an addict. She made me promise I would never tell my daughter. I made that promise. My mom passed away the next morning. I was free.
Breaking the Cycle
Having an addict for a parent is indescribable. Every day I wondered, Will this be the day she quits? How can I not make her mad? Will she forget about me? Will I be like her? Will I become an addict just like my mom? How can I be a mom, I don’t even know what a true mother is? I truly had this fear for years. I would cry in fear and anger that if I had a child, I would be the same way. I found excellent resources (my husband, my therapists) that told me I can break the cycle. This was my mom’s choice. Not mine. I can have a loving relationship with my daughter. I can nourish her in every way I wasn’t. I can be the mom I always wanted. And I am. I am that mom that kisses my daughter and tells her how beautiful and smart she is. Not only do I nourish and love my daughter, but I am nourishing that little girl that is deep inside of me, still longing for that love.
I always tell myself: You will never be your mother. You are strong, smart, and you got this. The past will not repeat itself. I have grown to learn to love myself despite all the years of hurt. Through sharing my story with more and more people, I have come to know others who have had the same experience with parents who are/were addicts. You may know someone who has been down the same path, your child may have a classmate that is going through the struggle, or maybe it is you. The more we open up and destigmatize the reality that this is happening around us, the more resources will become available.
We all make our own paths and decide our own fates.
“The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be”
– Ralph Waldo Emerson
You are destined to be great, loved, and empowered. The past does not define your present or future.
Here are some great resources that address addiction:
Sesame Street-Parental Addiction
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration
National Association for Children of Addiction
Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation
