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On almost a daily basis the kids in my house playfully wrestle with their dad. They get so wound up. Constant giggling and little bodies thrashing around. When a new foster child came to stay with us, he would leave the room every night. He spent months watching wide-eyed from the hallway. Taking it all in. Tracking every move our family made. Eventually, he started observing from the couch. Always his eyes stayed wide. Consistently alert to all of the motion in the room.
I remember so clearly the night he decided to join in. It took almost a year of watching. Almost a year of rewriting his trauma narrative. You see, he had been gravely injured by a father figure many times in his short life. The night he decided to trust my husband to keep him safe while they wrestled was a night he took a small step towards healing.
May is Foster Care Awareness Month and the statistics are staggering. It’s estimated that over 424,000 kids are in the foster care system in the US. More than 120,000 are legally free for adoption, and wait for someone to choose them.
Kids come into the foster care system for many different reasons related to abuse and neglect. Their parents need time to access resources and make positive changes in their own lives. The kids need a safe place to stay while that happens. Ideally, every child would stay with a family member or adult they know, but in many situations that isn’t feasible – and in those instances, the child will go to a foster home. On average, a child spends about a year in foster care. The goal of the foster care system is to help families in crisis come to a place of wholeness and healing.
Foster parents open their homes, families, and hearts to hurting children. They love, advocate for, and care for kids as long as they need a safe place to stay. Every child in the foster care system has known loss. Foster parents undergo extensive training to understand ACES (adverse childhood experiences) and how trauma rewires the brain. They learn how to best help and support the kids in their care.
If you would like to learn more, please contact your local social services office. They will gladly answer questions. Olmsted County has a wonderful website that details the qualifications of foster parents, the licensing process, and frequently asked questions.
Foster care has challenged our family in many ways. The kids in our home know more about abuse, neglect, addiction, suicide, self-harming behaviors, and prenatal exposure than many kids their age. I have testified in court on behalf of kids we have loved in our home. We buried an adopted daughter who passed away due to damage from prenatal exposure and domestic violence. I have held tiny babies as they wail and writhe in pain while undergoing withdrawal. We have had children in our home who didn’t cry, because they had been neglected – they had adapted to be silent because their cries did not bring help in the past. We have taught and cheered on birth parents as they strive to meet their goals and bring their children home. We have helped kids understand that they are so much more than what happened to them in the past. We have helped them process legal decisions that change their lives forever. We have a network of therapists and social workers who help us meet the needs of the kids in our home. We have endured deep losses and witnessed beautiful moments of healing.
Our circle includes many families who have fostered. I recently asked a group of kids who have been foster siblings or in foster care themselves to share with me their thoughts on foster care. Here are some of their responses:
“I am so glad we foster because we can really help kids who need it. If I had to be in foster care, I hope my foster family loves me no matter what.”
“It’s pretty cool. I have a brother now.”
“It’s really fun to meet new kids, but there’s lots of chaos too. Especially when they first come.”
“I get really sad when foster kids have to leave. I miss them.”
“If you have to go into foster care, it’s scary but it will be OK. No matter what happens, you will find someone who loves you.”
Kids in foster care need someone to provide a safe, loving home for them to heal. Are you that someone?
