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Rochester Local

“…who can’t imagine life without each other.”

holding handsAnd suddenly, I was married to a woman.

But she had been a woman all along. I just didn’t realize it. She was still living as “he.” The human I married, I learned after five and a half years of marriage, is transgender (male to female). 

I found out a couple of months ago after a series of conversations that built up to the coming-out moment. She understood me well enough to know that I wouldn’t do well with a blurting out of such information. We talked about gender identity, not for the first time. We hadn’t talked about it in years, and without realizing it, had made her nervous to discuss it with me again. We talked about gender fluidity and what it meant to be in a non-binary relationship. Was that what we would be? Or would we be in a lesbian relationship, even though I generally identify as a straight ally? What does this mean for our marriage? Our child?

I had so. many. questions. 

As one does in 2021, I first turned to my friend Google to learn about spouses of transgender humans. What was their experience? As it turns out, there is very little about people in my position. The few things I found did help me to realize I wasn’t alone, but why is the information so sparse? I dug a little deeper (I’m a librarian, after all), and found that the reason there is so little information is that the spouse normally leaves and takes the child(ren). Part of me was shocked. After all, my spouse is the same person I married, just transitioning. I couldn’t (still can’t) imagine a better partner in parenting and someone I want to do life with for the years to come. I dug even deeper and found that in the past, in order for a transgender human to have gender-affirming surgery, they had to divorce their spouse first. After all, a spouse wouldn’t want to have a same-sex partner. (Trust me, I rolled my eyes at that as hard as you just did!) We really have come a long way in this country, even if it doesn’t feel like it sometimes. I am thankful that I don’t have to divorce my spouse for her to be herself.

It’s now a couple of months since her coming out to me, and my spouse has started testosterone-blocking medication (her values were on the super low end of normal to start with). She will be starting estrogen in a couple of weeks. She has a lovely collection of skirts, in part due to a wonderful local friend who happened to clean out her closet and found some maxis she didn’t wear anymore. She does a better smokey eye than I can do. We polish each other’s nails and are as in love as we ever have been. Our son (age five) easily transitioned to calling her “Mim” (his word!). He tells people that he has two moms and that one of his friends has two dads (which is true and may have helped him to adjust). We talk regularly about his feelings, as well as about Minecraft and Mario Kart. 

I don’t know if I call this a lesbian marriage, but it is definitely a marriage of two people who can’t imagine life without each other. We have a wonderful family (complete with a dog and cat) and have so much to look forward to in our years to come. In the end, love is love is love. 


photo by: Nicolle Osterhout

Cynthia Beeler and her family moved to Rochester in January 2018 from Knoxville, TN, and were quickly reminded of the importance of winter clothing. She has lived in 13 states all over the country and even started kindergarten in Minnesota (a very, very long time ago). She has been a medical librarian for 20 years and enjoys working in this specialized field. She’s been married to her spouse for five and a half years and is mama to one son, age five. She spends her free time…wait, what free time?? She aspires to do more knitting and reading and is starting to schedule activities like yoga and walking. She loves to travel and dreams of showing her spouse and son where she used to live in New York City. As much as she loves cats, she is quickly becoming a dog person because of the family’s golden retriever.

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