If we believed everyone on Facebook and Instagram, we would think that marriage is all hearts and happy emojis. We see pictures of date nights, fun family activities, and smiling faces. We compare ourselves to these unrealistic expectations which are just that…unrealistic. Can we have these happy moments? Sure! But are there tough times? You bet! Here are a few things I’ve learned from being married for 18 years and from being a therapist in private practice for most of those years as well:
1. Love is a choice. You can’t feel love all the time. There are always going to be times when you don’t like things your spouse does and, quite frankly, wonder why you even married them. About 45% of marriages end in divorce and about 60% of second marriages end in divorce. Love is a commitment. If we plan on being married forever, then we take on the good and bad of that person and love them unconditionally. We choose love even when we don’t feel like it, when we’re angry with each other, and when it feels like all we are doing is arguing. I have had times when I wondered why I got married, but I am so grateful and thankful I did. I choose to love every day, no matter if I’m angry or not.
2. Words are important. Words can build up or cut down. Once you say something, you can’t take it back. If you say something harshly, it hurts your relationship with your partner. Using your words to encourage and build up your spouse helps to build a supportive, respectful union. Swearing, yelling, and calling names when angry does just the opposite and, honestly, makes your partner not want to disagree or argue with you. This is not what you want. You want to be able to talk about things openly and honestly. I am not a fair fighter. I know that. I am not nice when I’m angry. Luckily, my husband is forgiving and kind. I’m working on it. It is undeniable that while “I love you” are very important words, I would advocate for “I was wrong” and “Forgive me” being even more important.
3. Be romantic. Romance is so important to the upkeep of your relationship. Hold hands while watching a movie, just kiss with no other expectations, be flirtatious, send notes to each other throughout the day, mention them on social media and say how much you love them, and be affectionate. Did you know a 20 second hug has the power to reduce your blood pressure and your stress level? My husband and I tried this. It really works and helps break down any walls that you have put up, especially at the end of a long day. Romance isn’t for the sake of trying to impress your spouse, but is important for building your spouse’s confidence and showing that you will not abandon them when they feel unlovable. That you still feel drawn to them. That you are connected to them. Love your spouse well; it is well worth it.
4. Make your marriage a priority. If you’re working too much, then you are married to your job and not your spouse. Find ways to make your spouse feel special and show that they come before work. When you have children, it is hard to make time for your marriage. However, it is important so that once your children are grown, you still have grown together and know each other. A lot of couples divorce after their children leave the house because they don’t know how to be together, just the two of them. Go for a date night, show affection for each other in front of your children, exercise together, or cook together. My husband and I love cooking together. We are in sync with each other when in the kitchen. It is our special place where we create memories with each other and with our children.
5. Love your spouse’s family. This is often difficult because it is sometimes hard to understand the other’s family. However, really try to understand and care for their family. Having good family relationships are important. You don’t just marry a person; you marry their family as well. You marry all that encompasses that person, including their background and all that they have learned from their family–good and bad. Make sure you try to spend equal amounts of time with both sides. You can even invite everyone for the holidays so they can get to know each other. Our parents are good friends and one of my favorite memories is when we took a trip to the Outer Banks with both sets of parents and our siblings and their spouses. It was such a great time and one that we have very fond and cherished memories of.
Ultimately, it is up to both spouses to love and care for each other. It is up to both to fight for their marriage and to help the other through hard times. There is also nothing wrong with seeking counseling to enrich your marriage. Enjoy the fun times…create happy moments. Delight in each other…laugh together, jump in the puddles together, hold each other tight. Choose love.
**If you think you’re in an abusive relationship, seek help. Nobody should stay in an abusive relationship just for the sake of staying in their marriage**
