{We frequently feature Rochester, MN- based guest bloggers. If you’d like to contribute please contact us here.}
The other day my daughter Margaret, 15, asked me the most interesting question: “How did you make it so Henry and I get along this well?”
Now that I have two teens – Margaret and Henry 16 months her junior at age 14 – they routinely pique my interest this way. Our dinner-table conversations are no longer about Polly Pockets or who won the last round of Guess Who. These days, it’s more likely school violence, climate change, or picketing outside Planned Parenthood that tends to really get my kids going.
Usually I’m on my conversation A game, or at least my B game, but when Margaret hit me with this inquiry I was speechless. How did I manage to help foster such a strong sib bond between my kids? Who have, by the way, completely different hobbies and personalities? Margaret is a Type A pleaser who cleans the cat boxes without being asked, pulls a steady stream of A+s and enjoys choir, vanilla lattes and bubble tea (I still don’t know what that even is, people!). Whereas Henry is a sporty soccer player who is effortlessly charming, eats standing up if I let him, and roots for all Wisconsin teams. Go Bucks, go Brewers, go Badgers, go Pack!
I ruminated on it and developed five answers to Margaret’s question. I share these parental lessons learned so you fellow moms can take your younger kids (or hey, it’s never too late, these tips might work with older sibs too) and help them build a strong, supportive, loving relationship that’s sure to bind them together for life.
#1: Let yourself be the butt of the joke
I did this early and often. “Mom farted!” they probably squealed when they were younger and potty jokes were all the rage. Now that they’re teens, it’s more along the lines of, “She’s so weird” or, as Margaret turned and knowingly asked Henry over dinner just the other night, “We can’t tell her anything, can we?” By allowing them to form a “kids versus mom” team, they’re now kindred spirits with a shared, mutual interest – that being, how weird/embarrassing/old-fashioned/tech stupid you are. It stinks to be the odd one out here but it’s for the good of the overall familial team: the kids are closer for it.
#2: Establish trust between them
What do I mean by this? Well, if one kid squeals on the other, typically parents are quick to find the perpetrator and say, “Why did you hit your sister?” That didn’t happen often in my house. In my house, the response was often, “No one likes a tattle tale.” Instead of me being the arbiter of all of their inevitable disputes, they quickly learned to hash out their own differences. Hitting wasn’t deemed OK, obviously, but nor was tattling. Trust was what I was fostering here. And in time, they caught on. It worked. These days, Margaret is who Henry turns to for affirmation that his new clothes look good. Not me!
#3: Don’t hover mother
As a then stay-at-home mom, I juggled a lot when my kids were young. Like many women, I shopped for and provided all the meals and clothing. I somehow kept going a part-time freelance writing career. I maintained the cleanliness of our home. Goodness, I even sometimes mowed the lawn. What I found out, quite by accident really, was that as I did my own mom thang, my kids started doing their own kid thang. And who was there to do it with? Well, each other. They had to recruit someone to play Candy Land for the millionth time, because they caught on that I was cheating to make the game go faster anyway, which they deemed zero fun. They knew I wasn’t about to sift through 200 Match Box cars to find a boy for a girl pair per the then-popular movie Cars. Nope, mama’s not coming round for that game, kids! I’ve got a bathroom to clean, you go play. And still to this day, my kids turn to one another for companionship on snow days, spring break days without a fabulous trip anywhere or just down days when not much is shaking.
#4: No good kid vs. bad kid games
I used to find myself telling tales about what a difficult baby Henry was. Truth is, Margaret was no party – she cried a ton, and often it was whenever a stranger looked at her (like at, say, the grocery store) – but I had no one else to care for but her so it was easier. Over the course of a few years, I realized I didn’t want to saddle Henry with the “bad kid” curse and Margaret with the not-always helpful “good kid” label. She’d become full of herself, and Henry would be resentful and downtrodden. Instead, I brag about both kids in conversation. I discuss each one’s exploits. And if and when one kid errs, as all kids do, I don’t converse with Margaret or Henry about their mistake in a “your sib would never (insert ‘get an F on a test,’ or ‘be rude to my colleagues when visiting my office,’ etc.)” kind of way. Absolutely not. It isn’t motivational to be compared to others in a negative way. So when scolding is required, we have what I call a Come to Jesus Talk about the mistake made. We always we do it privately in a room alone, without other family members present, and we talk only about what this particular child did wrong. No comparisons.
#5: Be nice to others
Sorry parents, but this includes your in-laws and yeah, your spouse! Research shows children model our parental behavior on the regular, so if you’re snarky toward your mate at home guess what? So might your sweet cherub #1 be to your sweet cherub #2.
In employing these parenting hacks, I believe all parents can build strong sib relations between their kids. And as someone who’s nearly done raising her brood, I can say it’s worth the time, effort and care. My kids look out for each other as no one else possibly can. They relate to each other as only they possibly can. And they now rely on each other to be the other’s rock, as well.
“Mom, no offense, but the person I’m closest to in the world isn’t you or dad,” Margaret confessed not long ago. “It’s Henry.”
Well then. Seemingly my job here is very nearly done!
Renee Berg is a local writer, owner of Tomorrow’s Bosses and proud mom to two amazing teens.
