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Rochester Local

Its OK to be Angry

The other day, I was making a quick meal of chicken strips in the oven for my kids. I know there are healthier things out there, but I was in survival mode that day. We were getting ready to head up to the cities and I needed something quick and easy to feed my three kids, ages 13, 11, and 8. I was already frantic (which seems to be my default setting lately), and we were in a time crunch to get out the door.

I took the chicken strips out of the oven to flip them, and I set the tray on the stovetop. The entire tray went crashing down, into the open oven. Then I said a word out loud that I won’t repeat on this blog, or in church, thank you very much.

My kids’ eyes just about fell out of their head. I lose my temper sometimes, but I usually have a pretty good hold of the language that I use, especially around the kids.

Immediately, I felt like a giant failure. Not only did I drop lunch, but I went against the phrase that I constantly tell my kids:

“It’s OK to be angry. What’s important to me is how you react when you are angry.”

Just the previous week, as we were leaving church (which is also my work), my older two kids were arguing about something – they probably don’t even remember what – and one slapped the other and I had to publicly separate and discipline them in front of a crowd. I was mortified.

I preached to them the same thing though – it’s OK to be angry. Anger is normal. What counts is what you do with your anger. Do you strike back at your sibling? That just continues the cycle of anger and violence. As a grown adult, I can’t just slap people that I’m upset with. (It’s tempting sometimes, though, isn’t it?)

My oldest two kids are in middle school, and they are at the age where they can’t reciprocate anger with more anger, or anger with violence. I also preach to them that they can’t allow someone else’s bad behavior to justify their own bad behavior. This completely negates any “But HE/SHE started it” or “But HE/SHE did [insert punishable offense here.]”

I remind them, “you’re responsible for you. Nobody else – just you.”

It sounds like I need to start doing the things that I constantly tell my kids that they should do: Take a deep breath. Count to ten. Separate yourself from the situation if necessary. Cry if you need to.

If you find yourself needing these things frequently, maybe its time for some self-care. Mindfulness meditation and yoga are great to keep you centered. Make sure you have an outlet. For me, I journal and play/write music. When I feel like my kids are crawling on my last nerve and I’m ready to lose my temper, I try to pause and figure out what I actually need. Do I need some time by myself? Do I need a break? A nap? It’s likely when my kids are losing their temper, they need something like this too.

You can do it, mama, I’m proud of you.

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