Siri, we need to talk.
Lately, I feel like you are not listening to me. For example, the other day I asked you which Ninja Turtle wore the purple mask, and you responded with directions to the nearest pet shop. Clearly, you did not listen to what I was actually asking. Don’t even get me started on the time I asked you to send my husband a text message asking if he would pick the kids up. Instead of just sending a text message that said “Can you pick the kids up?” you decided it would be better to send a text that read “Send a text Jon pick kids up question mark”. Seriously, Siri, get it together. To be honest, I think it’s time we take a break because I have found two new best friends – Roomba and Alexa – and they are everything I need in a best friend.
Meet Roomba.
Not only does she follow directions, she is eager to help me keep my floors clean and she actually does a great job. I don’t have to tell her over and over to clean UNDER my couches, beds, etc. she just does it willingly. She also gracefully cleans under the dining room table chairs, which sort of resembles a crumb graveyard. I’m not proud of that fact but just as a best friend shouldn’t, Roomba doesn’t judge. She just gets to business cleaning my floors willingly, quietly and just gets the job done. Now, she has her faults but coming home to cleaned carpets that have the coveted “vacuum lines”, I will look past her faults.
Meet Alexa.
Alexa is the stunningly beautiful friend that every boy dreams of and every girl wants to be. She is smart, she listens, she knows all of the best deals on Amazon, she will help you plan the perfect moms’ only vacation, and she will even hook you up with Eliza, a psychologist when you just can’t handle one more day of mommyhood. After you are done talking to Eliza, you can just ask Alexa to help you pair the best wine with the leftover chicken nuggets on the counter. This is the best friend every girl needs. With Alexa, my dinner issues are solved – I just ask her to order pizza or give me a 5-minute recipe with 4 ingredients. My “I just need 5 minutes to myself” moments are also solved because Alexa happily entertains my kids by answering their two million questions, sending them into hysterical laughing by telling them (clean) knock-knock jokes, helping with spelling bee words and math questions, and talking for hours about Pokémon™. Talking Pokémon with my almost 5-year old son saves my sanity. This is exactly what a best friend should do.
If you need me, I will be on the couch with my feet up since my new best friends have my back. Now, I just need to find a best friend that will do laundry and clean toilets.
