Parenting is my most challenging job to date, and generally, having a partner makes it easier. Some of you do it all solo, all the time and there isn’t enough praise and respect in the world for you. Solo parenting while your partner is gone is not the same as being a full time single parent. But there is a huge transition in having someone by your side, and then not. For me, I often feel I have just gotten into a rhythm of juggling all the moving parts, and my husband gets home! Likewise, he may be home for a few days or even a week, and I start relying on him and then he’s gone again. Those transitions are tough, because I feel like I should just rely on myself so things are predictable. Isn’t it funny how we (see:I) want to control things and avoid the unknown?
My husband has a job where he works in St. Paul five months a year, so Monday through Friday he stays in an apartment while he’s gone. His schedule varies and often includes late nights so we don’t have regularly scheduled calls or Facetime. This takes a toll on our family, but I’ve established a few coping mechanisms for us all to survive the separation.
The hurdles to parenting *sometimes* solo are both emotional, as well as logistical. The irregularity can hurt the family unit without some careful planning. Many of you know this life as the spouse of a firefighter, police officer, nurse, or those serving in the military. Some jobs require frequent travel for days at a time, every week. Some occupations are a calling-emotionally draining and rewarding all at once, while others pay extremely well to try to offset the odd hours. I am not an expert, but we manage this lifestyle and enjoy it. Here are some ways we manage the various aspects of being apart while counting down the hours (or days or weeks!):
- Use technology to erase the miles. My kids (ages 13, 11,11) know they can call or text either one of us for any reason, any time. We will always answer in an emergency, and we try to answer at other times as well. That being said, we rely heavily on texting. It’s fast and minimally invasive if you’re worried someone might be busy or in a meeting. I love being able to send my kids and husband a quick “I love you”.
- Get creative with your problem solving. Despite my best efforts, there are hiccups to our well planned days. Track shoes get forgotten, yearbook forms are left on the counter, and two or three kids need to be picked up from opposite sides of town at the exact same time. I don’t like to be late-so I schedule things backwards, meaning if we have to be somewhere at 4:00, I walk the clock back to figure out what we can reasonably accomplish in between. Otherwise, we would find ourselves running out the door on our way to a birthday party with no gift, or a soccer game without oranges!
- Rely on your village. This one is probably the hardest for me. My family lives in Rochester, and my mom makes herself available any time I need her to. It might be pride, but I also just feel genuinely bad asking for help. Additionally, we live in a fairly central location, so asking for rides from teammates, etc is also an option I don’t take enough advantage of. Realizing this, I could probably reduce my stress, and keep another child from being late-if I would just ask for help.
- Quality over quantity. Where I don’t have consistent and predictable, I often have surprises and unexpected opportunities. When we are all together or together as a couple, we make the most of it. This might mean dinner or an excursion out, or just hanging out at home to catch up on rest…and Netflix.
- Don’t lose (or quickly develop) perspective. For us, we chose this life, and this occupation that creates this somewhat unique schedule. But overall, we love it. There are perks to my husbands schedule and job, like being home in the summer and having flexibility at other times of the year when I do not. There are times in the midst of the running to hockey by myself in January that I really do take a moment to appreciate that I have healthy kids who play sports, and that we are able to give them those opportunities. I remember that my husband is doing a job he loves and works hard at, and that we are #trulyblessed 😉
