“A girl at school has been calling my middle school daughter ‘fat’. How can help her?”
I am so sorry your daughter is experiencing teasing at school. Not easy for both you and your daughter. Self-esteem and self-image is at a sensitive developmental stage during the middle school years. Middle school is an emotionally complex time of life. Guiding your daughter through this time in her life can feel overwhelming at times.
Here are a few suggestions to help you and your daughter navigate teasing at school…
Ask your daughter:
About her Experience
1 What happened? 2 How do you feel about being called fat?
About the Teaser
1 Are her words accurate? 2 Why do you think she said it? 3 What kind of person is she?
Sometimes people tease others because of their own insecurities. When people have a hard time coping with uncomfortable emotions, they may project their feelings on to others. Being “mean” gives them a sense of power when they feel powerless.
Brainstorm possible responses:
- Ignoring the teaser.
- Telling the teaser how her words made her feel, and let her know you would like her to stop.
- Seeking help from the school counselor or trusted friends at school
- Other ideas?
Develop an Action Plan: Before your daughter takes action, ask her to think about how she thinks her plan will play out. Playing out different scenarios will prepare your daughter for possible reactions from the teaser.
Support your daughter: If you experienced teasing at school, let your know daughter how it made you feel. It is healing to reassure others they are not alone.
When talking about your past experiences, try to stay in the present by focusing on your daughter’s needs. Sometimes sharing about past experiences can be quite painful. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed by your feelings, talk to a trusted friend, pastor, or counselor.
Encourage your daughter to review her strengths and all her wonderful qualities that make-up her unique personality. Reminding yourself of who you are strengthens you for tough situations.
Being a middle-schooler, your daughter may not readily be able to identify her strengths or may not feel comfortable talking about them. This is okay and developmentally normal. You can help by writing her a note expressing the admirable qualities you see in her.
Remind your daughter she is loved
Follow-up: After your daughter has taken action, check-in with her to see how she is doing. Let her know you are proud of how she handled the situation.
If the Teasing Doesn’t Stop: Sometimes a teaser will not stop. If the teaser refuses to stop after your daughter has taken action, the teasing has now crossed the line into bullying. At this point, it is okay for you as a parent to step in and contact the the other child’s parents. If the child’s parents are not willing to intervene, feel free to contact the school to ask for their assistance in keeping your daughter emotionally safe.
Allison Jean Loftus LPC
