Five years ago, we got a phone call about a baby boy that changed our lives. Four years ago, we brought home that beautiful, active toddler into our family through international adoption.
Here’s what I wish I could have read during the first few weeks and months.
Dear new adoptive mom,
You should probably shower right now instead of reading this. Seriously, don’t feel guilty if you take a 5-minute shower. I know you’ve missed so many moments of your child’s history and want to make up lost time. I promise you, five minutes is necessary.
In fact, make yourself this promise.
“I, __________, do solemnly swear to shower, eat semi-nutritious foods, and to give myself 15 minutes of no guilt every day. I will not be ashamed if I happen to gain weight in the next six months. I will go on walks. I will treat myself to 15 minutes of adult-level activity every day—even if that adult-level activity is reruns of old TV shows or playing solitaire mindlessly on my computer.”
The thing is, you’re not going to be able to care for your child if you haven’t cared for yourself. And your child? Right now, he needs a lot of care.
There is no XYZ equals 123. You will make mistakes. You will look in your child’s eyes and feel like you’ve failed them. Parenting a child from a hard place will bring out all sorts of anger and ugly feelings you didn’t even know you had. It’s just what it is. Every now and again, your child will look back at you, and you will see a “Try again?” in their eyes. Accept that grace, ask for forgiveness if necessary, and try again.
Your friends and family genuinely care, even if it feels like they don’t. Your feelings are not facts. The thing is, people just don’t know how to show their care. Don’t isolate yourself. At the same time, try not to care what your friends and family think. You’re going to be different….don’t fall into the comparison trap.
I know you’ve read up on attachment, and you’re really concerned about whether or not your child is “attached.” Do yourself a favor. Rest on the attachment worries for six months. Do the attachment work, but don’t worry and analyze. In six months, look through your very first photos with your child. Note their posture, their eyes. Note how things you thought were cute initially were actually your child being scared out of their mind. See how much better you know your child? See how much more comfortable they are with you? Keep doing the work, mama.
Holidays and milestones are going to hit you differently. You’re going to feel weird feelings about things that have always delighted you, and your child will have different feelings about holidays as well. Get used to it.
If you don’t have adoptive mommy friends, get them. Do whatever it takes. I’m not saying to abandon your old friends.(Don’t!) But there is true value in someone walking alongside you in the road of parenting a child with a traumatic history.
Finally, mama, give yourself permission to be honest about your feelings. Don’t impose feelings of “I should be feeling so in love right now” or “I should be weeping over this.” It’s not worth it. Don’t try to force your heart. Feelings will come when they do.
Adoption is beautiful. Adoption is also hard. Remember you’re always going to be walking the line between that beautiful and hard. But mostly? It’s beautiful.
Sincerely,
A Friend Who Knows
