When a friend tells you that she is getting divorced you may experience a wide range of reactions. Your friend is going through a time of grief. This will look different for different people and may even change by the day or the hour! There were some days that I felt optimistic and strong and others that I smiled through the morning routine with my kiddos and climbed back into my bed until 2:49 pm because the bus dropped them back off at 2:50 pm. Finding the right ways to be supportive during this time can be challenging even when you are well-intentioned. Here are five ways you can love your friend during this time in her life.
Don’t ask “Sooo….how are the kids doing?”
Let me just answer this for you right now. The kids are struggling. When kids are struggling, their mom is struggling with their struggle. Add to this whatever other emotions – guilt, helplessness, sadness – she has swirling around this and your question will likely strike a difficult chord. She may give you a tight-lipped smile, a curt answer, and thank you for asking. The truth is she will understand that you are just thinking about her family and that your question is out of concern, but it still feels a lot like your tenuously held bandages are being ripped off. The better question here is something closer to “What can I do to support your family right now?” This is an excellent way to confirm to your friend that you still love and care for her family without specifically asking her to go to a place that may be difficult.
Support Her Mental Health
Whether we care to admit it, there is still a huge stigma around issues of mental health. Divorce is an extremely long process. First, you generally don’t get to that decision without a long time period of difficulty. Then the process of divorce can drag on for months or years. If you add elements of trauma, abuse, infidelity, or other issues, it is no surprise a person’s mental health is affected.. Diet, exercise, yoga, and meditation can all help. Traditional therapy and medication may also be helpful. Set aside your judgment during this time and champion your friend as she tries to find the right combination for herself.
Keep Calling
There were days during my divorce that I could tackle anything and was committed to keeping my life as close to “normal” as possible. There were also days that the smallest thing could send me spinning. On those days answering calls or texts from my friends was nearly impossible, but they were still lifelines that I needed. The first time a friend asked us to do something on a day that wasn’t “my” day in the custody schedule, I fell apart and never responded. My friend was compassionate and understanding instead of considering me rude in that instance. Even if your friend never responds to you, keep sending those messages of support and love.
Take Her Dinner
During all other major life transitions we have social constructs that offer support – meal trains, prayer circles, GoFundMe pages, etc. When you get divorced you are suddenly on a life raft alone in the middle of the ocean with no navigation devices. You may be a newly single parent, going back to work for the first time in years, navigating financial decisions that are new to you, balancing all the house and yard work on your own, or all of the above. One of my friends would occasionally deliver a homemade meal to me when I had my kids. It wasn’t that I couldn’t cook because of a physical reason, but that kind gesture freed up my time to be more available and present to my children, something they needed at that time.
Don’t Share a Story That Doesn’t Belong to You
It never feels good to know people are talking about you. Divorce is as juicy as it gets when it comes to the gossip circles of life. Ask your friend what she wants you to say if you are asked about her life right now and respect that. There will always be the inside story and then the one that is put out to everyone. If you are pressed for more information a really great response is, “That isn’t my story to share, but you can ask (friend’s name) more about it when you see her.”
Divorce is a lonely time of life in many ways. Your friend is rewriting the story of how she thought her life was going to be. Being surrounded by the love of friends that is non-judgemental and caring can make a huge difference!
