Gaining confidence as a mom takes time, but it will happen. I like to call this-momfidence.
It starts when your first baby is born. You dismiss from the hospital and all of a sudden it hits you– you are now responsible for this tiny life. There is no “grownup” to help you. YOU are the grownup. Also, you know nothing. This tiny human exited your body and though you’ve done several thorough checks, there is no manual attached to him or her. All of the pre-baby prep flies out of your brain (assisted by the postpartum hormones you are drowning in + complete sleep deprivation). Everything seems scary and tentative. You are convinced you are doing nearly everything wrong. 10,000 phone calls/texts are placed to mom, sister, best friend, mom again, and whichever nurse unluckily answers the phone at baby’s pediatrician’s office. You google things and immediately regret it, setting off a waterfall of hormone-fueled tears and hiccup-sobs. “Will it always be like this?!?”
No. Definitively NO. You will gain momfidence with every milestone and every obstacle. It starts slowly.
Week one: you have successfully fed, changed and bathed baby for a whole week with minimal disasters. You may have even braved a short trip to Target or the nearest drive-thru. Momfidence inches up.
One month: you have now taken a few excursions outside the cocoon of your home, and maybe even some alone with your new babe. You packed everything necessary to survive 3 days in the wilderness in winter (even though it’s May) and it took longer to get ready and out the door than the time actually spent out of the house. But the worst did not happen, and you made it home. You did not forget the baby anywhere! Momfidence level up!
Baby gets her/his first fever. You navigate the doctor’s office and baby Tylenol dosing. You don’t sleep a wink until the fever has passed, but you did it.
All of a sudden, baby is almost 9 months old. Looking back, you’ve handled all of the things so far that you have feared: poop/puke explosions, first teeth, screaming baby in public, baby-proofing the home for a suddenly-mobile baby, first bumps or bruises, first cold and fever. You’ve navigated unwelcome advice, and solicited plenty of wanted advice from close friends and family. You have scared yourself sleepless by googling things enough at this point to be able to resist its draw (mostly). Your momfidence has grown. You’ve proven to yourself that you can handle the unexpected. You are learning to trust your instincts (this is HUGE!).
Your child continues to grow, and curveballs keep coming your way. Perhaps another child. This adds a whole new dimension and leveling-up of your momfidence. Taking 2 kids places that used to be easy with one. Listening to a chorus of screaming instead of just one crying child. Potty training. Wintertime merry-go-round of colds and the flu that hits everyone over and over again. You take trips, and everyone somehow survives, despite the plane being delayed for several hours. At home, bigger kids = bigger messes. Perhaps there have been trips to the ER for stitches, an x-ray, or Sunday night fevers of 104. And yet you keep handling it. As you keep going (because you have no choice!) your momfidence grows.
New, social things start cropping up: activities and sports that you may or may not be familiar with. There are fees and equipment and schedules, and it seems VERY overwhelming at first. But you sign up, load things in the car and go. Whether your kid is a natural or not, everyone (mostly) has a good time. Momfidence level jumps a few notches.
And then one day it happens: you register your oldest for kindergarten. You worry and worry and definitely cry more than once. How will he/she handle it? Will they be scared? Will they feel lost and afraid and alone? What if…??
I’ve noticed that oftentimes we assign OUR worry to the kids, when actually, the kids will be (and are) fine. This is really about US and OUR confidence. Will I (who sets the tone for the activity) be able to handle the change in routine, the separation, the upset from normalcy, the different environment, the potential delays, etc.? This is so much more about MY confidence and comfort than the kids’. So put on a brave face, mamas. Set the tone as “this is going to be great.” Put the fears and big feelings on a shelf. 95% of the time, the kids will mirror what we are putting out there. Mom is dripping in tears and fear? They think “There’s something to be afraid of! I should be scared!” Mom puts on a confident smile (masking her true feelings), and child will follow your lead. When it’s all said and done, and they ARE fine, we usually find that those big feelings that were put on a shelf really aren’t as heavy as they felt when we put them up there. Maybe just leave them on that shelf. You don’t need them. And again, your momfidence grows–this time by leaps and bounds.
Time continues to pass. What seemed impossible last year, you now handle like a pro. Both kids melting down in a restaurant? You can handle it. Projectile vomit? You automatically launch into action. Kid lodges something up his nose? Tweezers aren’t just for eyebrows. A whole year of school is suddenly under your belt, and friends with younger kids are now looking to you for advice and reassurance. Each uncomfortable/agonizing/scary thing that you do pushes your momfidence up a notch. So when the latest scary thing is over, take a minute to look back and say to yourself, “Yep, I handled that. I didn’t think I could…but somehow I DID!” And you WILL handle the next thing too.
Momfidence up!
