Everyone will tell you it takes a village. They aren’t lying. But how do you find community as a stay at home mom? It breaks my heart whenever I hear a mom say they can’t take a break because they have no one to turn to. There are a lot of great resources and groups in Rochester for moms, but what about when those are too overwhelming? How do you find and get to know YOUR people?
When I moved to Rochester, the vast majority of my friends were my coworkers. I also made friends at our church and through my now husband. I have lived here for over ten years, and a lot of the people I made friends with back then are still my friends. My husband and I have always talked about living somewhere other than Rochester/the Midwest, but when I found out I was pregnant a couple of years ago, I didn’t want to leave. We don’t have family here, but I felt like we had a pretty secure support system. And we really did (/do). We had people throw me baby showers, bring us food and diapers, offer to babysit (and actually follow through), and give us advice and support when we were struggling with a colicky baby. I am forever grateful for all of these wonderful people. But I felt like something was missing. I made the decision to stay at home with my little guy. I am so thankful that this decision was an option, as I love being at home with him. At the same time, I am a total homebody and introvert. I also struggled with postpartum anxiety, and getting out of the house became a huge source of anxiety for me. None of my close friends were in the same stage of life as me, so I often felt really lonely. I also felt like all of the other SAHMs I knew already had really good friends that they shared a lot of life with, so I felt kind of left out and a little jealous. However, the reality is that A LOT of moms feel lonely. It’s not just me or you. So what do we do about it?
I longed to find friends that were kind of like me, who I could chat with during the day, and share mom life and regular life with and enjoy. I didn’t know how to find them. I would occasionally come across mom meet ups or outings or park dates, but as an introvert with anxiety, there is no way I was going to show up. Being surrounded by people I don’t know (ESPECIALLY when most people already know each other) gives me anxiety just thinking about it. I joined a few online mom communities (including Rochester MN Moms Blog Community + Conversation). I learned a lot in these groups and felt a little sense of connection, but even introverts crave to be around real people sometimes, and sometimes there is just too much drama on the internet.
One time I reached out to a random mom in one these groups. She was looking for suggestions, and I realized we had a random mutual friend, so I asked her about this connection. Eventually we connected on Instagram and decided to meet in person. We ended up having a lot in common and talked about everything from marriage to religion to mental health to parenting. I knew right away she was “my kind of people.” (Deep and meaningful conversations are my jam!). Fast forward about a year, and we now frequently trade childcare, hang out (often multiple times a week), and text pretty much every day. Our toddlers adore each other. Sometimes she takes care of my child just so I can go to the grocery store by myself, because I need a break. I am so thankful and grateful for this friend and all of the support she has provided since we met. It makes being a SAHM so much easier! I have since connected and made real-life friends with other amazing moms and women through Facebook and Instagram. It’s a great way to get to know people without the awkward small talk this introvert dislikes. Social media can be pretty great sometimes.
What I have learned is there is no wrong way to make friends, and you never know when you’re going to meet your next friend. I have also learned to keep my friend circles open, as there is always more room, and to seek out other women who might feel alone, because I know how much that feeling sucks. This mom thing is hard enough, no one should do it feeling alone. There isn’t a magic formula to finding your circle or village or whatever you want to call it, but please know this: if you feel alone, I promise that you aren’t. If you already have that great group of friends, know how lucky you are! And be on the look out for other women who are lonely. Invite other people into your circles. We are all in this together.
