While scrolling through Pinterest a couple of years ago I found a the image of a quote that read, “I don’t need a certain number of friends, just a number of friends I can be certain of.” I am not sure who the original author of the quote is but they perfectly summed up my tribe in that simple sentence. What is a tribe? For a mom, that might be her weekly mom’s support group or her college gal pals who have stayed in contact after all these years. It could be the women in your neighborhood or the moms from the PTA. My tribe is what I would consider my close friends and people in my life who are supportive and encouraging. Not only are they my go-to people in times of crisis, but they are also there to share in my triumphs. It’s a great feeling to know that people have your back and genuinely care about you. Have I always felt like I had a tribe? No way. Over the years there were many nights when I would feel friendless. It felt as though everyone else already had their tribe and there was no room for someone like me. I would see amazing photos on social media of my acquaintances with their large friend groups out doing grand friend-type stuff. They’d be perfectly posed while laughing and the photo would have a cute little caption that usually included the words “fun” and “best friends forever.” The more I saw photos like this, the more defeated I became, because somewhere along the way I equated having a thriving social life with having a meaningful life. Longingly, I’d wonder when I’d find my crowd of bff’s, too. I’d think about a group of women just like me who had the same interests I had. I wanted to stay up late drinking wine with them every week or go on elaborate weekend trips together. Where were these women?
This is the point where I’m supposed to tell you that all is right in the world, and I’ve found my huge group of girlfriends. Here’s the thing, I still don’t have that, and it’s okay. Instead I have a tribe that consists of women from all walks of life, and that’s how I like it. There are women who are married and some who are not. There are women who have children and women who don’t. There are young women and older women. Women with different interests, lifestyles and goals. Some of the women know each other, but most do not. We don’t all get together to have wine tasting parties, nor do we plan shopping sprees together (which I am not opposed to by any means). I might go out to lunch with one friend but go to my next Zumba class with another. I have a friend who is my dinner and a movie buddy and some friends who I only see once every other month. In fact, one of my closest friends lives in another state! In my tribe you’ll find women who have a variety of life experiences and perspectives. They are able to encourage me in different ways. They definitely are not all like me, and that’s good. I appreciate their uniqueness, and I believe they appreciate mine as well. I treasure their friendships very dearly.
Letting go of the idea of needing a large group of friends was hard, because up until recently I had been believing a lie. I believed that everyone else had dozens of close friends and that if you didn’t, then something was wrong with you. This simply isn’t true. Most things we see on social media need to be taken with a grain of salt. A snapshot of a single moment or a Facebook post can be very misleading. Perhaps the people posting about their grand adventures are just as lonely as I had been in the past. I have learned to embrace my tribe and let go of certain expectations that were making me feel inadequate. Instead of wishing for a gaggle of gal pals, I started being the type of friend to others that I had longed for myself. Rather than focus inwardly, I realized I needed to focus on caring for the people in my area of influence.
I am so thankful for the women in my life and for the relationships that I have built. My friend group looks a lot different than what I used to imagine. It’s a lot more diverse. It’s not big, but it is beautiful. If you are a woman who has been blessed with many friends, kudos to you. Creating lasting relationships is a hard thing to do. It takes time and effort as well as a lot of trial and error. I truly believe we are made for relationships. Life is richer with them. Whether that means you have twelve best friends or one. And if you are still searching for some close friends, don’t give up hope. There are others out there who are waiting for a friend just like you.
If you struggle, like I did, with comparing your friendships to what is portrayed on social media, I encourage you to take a moment to think about who is in your tribe. How can you show them today that you care for them and appreciate them? Maybe it’s a handwritten letter or taking them a hot meal when they’re ill. Regardless of what it is, spend a little time reflecting on how you can best care for the people in your tribe.
