Help! I’m struggling here. As a nurse, my schedule for the past couple of summers has been more flexible. This summer my schedule requires me to mainly be on 12-hour day shifts. My husband works a traditional 8-5 job Monday through Friday. My children are 13, almost 14, and 10, almost 11. Fist BUMP. Fist Pump. No daycare costs. Right? But, I have all these panicked thoughts. How much unsupervised time is okay for them?
What am I afraid of? Let’s start small. Another summer of endless FortNite. The Tide Pod challenge or something equally stupid? Kids let’s talk about the danger of eating laundry detergent. Ugh! But… the power of the internet and that underdeveloped prefrontal cortex (a.k.a. their reasoning skills and inability to process consequences), this is the reality. Then there are the life-destroying things like drugs, alcohol, vaping, pornography, and teenage pregnancies. Yeah…those daycare or nanny costs aren’t looking so bad right now.
Am I overreacting? Yes and NO. There is a learning curve when kids are left alone to make their own decisions. I think allowing them to be home alone for periods of time is beneficial. They need to be challenged and have responsibility. This is where parents have to do the hard work of evaluating their own children. Are they reliable? Just because they get straight A’s doesn’t automatically mean that have common sense. (remember that prefrontal cortex)
How much time is too much time alone? Check out your county’s resources and state laws. They are ALL different. Olmsted County Child and Family resources created this helpful brochure. Here is an article on what Minnesota Law does and doesn’t say. Though this information is helpful, I didn’t find them super-specific. These are the guidelines we have used, but I’d love your thoughts.
Home alone: No friends over period. I think this only opens itself up to problems. The rule works both ways, they are not allowed at a friend’s house if an adult is not home. This rule is one I am not afraid to check up on by calling or texting the parent. We have filters on our internet in place, and we had an internet phone installed a couple of years ago for calls to us or 911.
Length of time: This is a personal preference. In the past, it has worked for my children to be home alone for two work days in a row. After that, I feel like they just get too bored, and start to fight. If it gets longer than that, I have had Grandma come over for one of the days. Sometimes, they go to their cousin’s house. I know everyone doesn’t have this option, but see if you can identify people in your life that might be able to help you out. I would suggest seeing how you can adjust your work schedule. For some jobs this is impossible, but others you can flex your time to go in earlier (when preteens and teens are still sleeping) so you can be home sooner.
Use your Community: We are relatively new to our community, but we have two neighbors that we know well enough, we tell our kids, “If you need anything, go to their house for help.” We have identified what we called safe places for them to go TOGETHER, this consists of the library, a park near our house, and the local swimming pool. All of these are within walking or biking distance to where we live. You have to determine what safe and public areas you have nearby as even parks are not always safe.
Schedule Activities/Set Guidelines: One week out of the summer, they both go to summer camp. We do a vacation every summer, which means supervised family time for about two weeks. I check activities at the local library or community education. They usually participate in a local week-long theatre camp and/or a sports camp. There are so many awesome camps, but let’s be honest they can get really expensive. So we try and choose activities that work for our family’s budget. I am a firm believer in scheduling something for at least a couple of hours a day. Other days, I leave a list of things that they need to do around the house, which includes easy meal prep for supper. Last year, my son had an afternoon paper route, and even babysitting at this age puts them in a position of being responsible. Allowing them to be part of the discussion we have asked them, “What do you think are fair rules?”
Inventory your Living Situation: Just as you would with a baby. Look at your house from a preteen or teenager’s perspective. What do you NOT want them to have unsupervised access to? A vehicle sitting around, (for those who don’t have their license), alcohol, tobacco products, guns, channels you don’t want them to watch? Think through your house, and make it an older child-proof house. Do your children get along enough, to have the oldest watching the younger children? This will be unique to each family. It can be a lot of responsibility for the oldest. As always, open and honest communication is the best.
All this effort is about helping them gain independence, but protecting them from their immature reasoning skills. How do you keep your older kids safe throughout the summer?
