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Rochester Local

My Kids Call Their Stepmom “Mom”- And That’s Okay

I love my kids’ stepmom. No really, I do.

Let me back up a little bit. I married my first husband when I was twenty, and we had a son and a daughter right away. By the time I was 24, I was divorced with two kids. I knew that eventually both my ex husband and I would likely marry again – but when he started dating, I found myself dealing with an odd feeling of jealousy.

It took me some time to process these feelings – and it took me some time to be at peace with the whole idea of my kids potentially having a stepmother. I was armed and ready to find out everything about this woman. If she was going to be around my kids, she better be willing to have a background check done!

But, to my surprise, the person my ex-husband ended up dating (and eventually marrying) was a woman that I already knew. This brought on its own set of odd feelings. She had been a friend of mine throughout college – and now she’s with my ex? Who does that? 

Things could have become really awkward. In fact, they probably were at first – but I hardly remember it now. Once I had time to process my emotions, I came to the realization that since I already knew her, I didn’t have to Facebook stalk her or be nosy. I didn’t have to worry about who my kids were around because she was someone that I already knew and trusted.

My kids were 2 and 4 when she officially became their stepmom. And truly, I couldn’t have asked for a better person to be a second mother to my kids.

But, the first time I heard them call her “Mom,” I felt my heart drop out of my chest. I’m your mom. I carried you. Nobody, NOBODY, can love you like I can. 

It took me some time to come to terms with this – but I never told my kids NOT to call her mom. I may have grimaced when they said it, but I tried really hard to hide my reaction from the kids.

I grew up with a friend that hated her stepmom, and I wanted so badly to be happy for my kids. After all, did I want them to have a stepparent that they hated? Of course not. I saw how she loved them, too, and I made the decision to be grateful for how well everything turned out. Could I be bitter about this? Sure. But who would that benefit?

Eventually I remarried also, and the kids also call my husband “Dad.” They’re 11 and 13 now, and sometimes they slip up and say “My mom says — I mean Tracy says …”

“It’s ok,” I reply. “She’s your mom, too.”

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I feel like my kids benefit a lot from knowing that I respect their stepmom. I never feel like we are competing to be the coolest parent, or the parent that gives the best gifts. We don’t try to force them to pick favorites  or choose a side. A few years back, Tracy even administered life-saving CPR to our oldest kid, so basically I’m forever indebted to her. I can never repay her for that.

When I threw my back out and was dealing with incredible pain, she messaged me some prayers and Bible verses. Let me say that again. My ex husband’s wife prays for me. When I was going through a really rough time, she made a care package for me of chocolates and coffee. That’s something that friends do.

I could have chosen to be bitter. I could have chosen resentment, and I could have chosen to compete with her and try to be a better parent. I could have chosen to forbid my kids from calling her “Mom” in front of me. I’m glad that I took time to think and process before reacting to anything – because now I’m able to truly appreciate our family’s situation.

Co-Parenting brings forth so many challenges. When the kids go back and forth between two houses, the rules might be more relaxed at one place, meals might be handled differently, bedtimes might be later. There might be disagreements about punishments, privileges, holidays, and many other things. But our kids see how we handle these things – and in our case, it helps so much that everyone gets along and truly cares about one another.

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