I had just stepped out of the shower and began my post shower routine; towel dry, twist towel around hair like a turban, apply lotion, get dressed, enjoy a few minutes of solitude — KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK! A tiny voice calls, “It’s me. Can I come in?” It’s my sweet girl. “Of course honey,” I reply. She’s there to have her hair detangled and brushed. My post shower routine had been interrupted and I had only been able to get dressed to my undergarments. We look at each other in the mirror. She smiles. “Your tummy is wrinkly!” she declares. I look at my waist which now bares the battle wounds acquired through the lengthy process of growing two tiny humans. At a closer glance, I notice the lovely red wrinkles had cropped up around my hips, thighs, and back as well. I pause for a brief, thoughtful moment. “Yeah, it is wrinkly,” I agree with a cheerful tone and a knowing smile. “Do you know why it’s wrinkly?” I inquire. “Because I was in there!” she cries in delight. “Yep! You’re right! You and your brother grew in there.” She looks at my thighs and says, “Your legs are wrinkly too!” I playfully tell her, “Yes they are, but there weren’t any babies in there.” We both giggle at this. I finish brushing her hair and she skips off on her next adventure. I’m left standing there with the mirror, my stretch marks, and my imperfect body.
Surprisingly, I don’t lament over what had just transpired, though it would be very easy to spend several minutes in front of the mirror dissecting every little thing about my body that I wish I could change. Instead, I am thankful for the opportunity to engage in a positive conversation regarding my self-image with my sweet girl. I’ve accepted that I will never have the perfect body and the flaws will always be there, although it’s taken a very long time to get to this point. You see, it’s not easy to have a positive view of your body when you grow up hearing people criticize it or make negative comments about it. I know firsthand that this type of negativity can become a person’s inner self-dialogue over time. I’m working on being kinder to myself but sometimes I revert back to the negative inner chatter that seems to have ingrained itself into the recesses of my brain, just waiting to emerge it’s ugly head at any given moment. It’s like I’m being bullied but I’m the perpetrator as well as the victim. This is a hard battle. A battle I hope my daughter will never have to fight. It is my hope that my daughter will grow to be a woman who has a positive inner dialogue about her self-image.
So how does a recovering self-bully encourage her daughter to foster a positive self-image?
1. I make sure I am intentional about my words. I will never utter a disparaging comment about my daughter’s weight. I just won’t do it. I don’t believe anything good will ever come from it. Period.
2. When she talks about her body, I direct her attention to the positives. We talk about how she has strong arm muscles that help her climb the monkey bars and how she has powerful legs that help her run, jump, bike, and ride her scooter.
3. I emphasize that she is unique. We discuss how people are different and how it’s okay to be who you were made to be. We celebrate individuality.
4. I scoop up opportunities to model positive self-dialogue by applying numbers 1 through 3 to myself. When conversations like the bathroom scene described above pop up, I pause and make sure I’m being intentional about my words about my own weight and appearance. I simply agreed with her honest observations and directed the conversation to why it’s okay that my body looks the way it does. She grew in there! It’s an amazing miracle to be celebrated. Oh, and my wrinkly thighs? Well, I knew acting ashamed or upset about it would have spoken louder than any words. I decided to just have a positive attitude and be realistic. Yep! There’s loose skin there and it is what it is. And that’s okay.
5. We talk about her character and personality traits. As a recovering self-bully there were times that I had to remind myself that my self-worth is not defined by my outward appearance. There are so many other great things about people that are more worth focusing on. We talk about what makes her beautiful on the inside; her compassion, kindness, love for others, indomitable spirit, wit, and curiosity are all amazing qualities that make her unique and special.
As women and girls, we are constantly bombarded with the media forcing Photoshopped, unrealistic beauty standards on us. We’re continually being told how to look, and are criticized when we don’t meet said standards. It is my desire to raise a young woman who has a strong sense of who she is and who knows her self-worth comes from within. I want her to know that she can take pride in her body no matter what it looks like. I hope she grows to have a confident self-image.
What about you? What are some ways you help your daughter foster a positive view of her body? How do you promote a positive self-image?
