Pssst…You.
Yeah, you- with the mounds of laundry piling up, the empty refrigerator, the dirty toilets that need to be cleaned before your guests arrive in five minutes. You- with the toddler that just peed all over the living room rug, or you with that report due for work by 8 a.m. tomorrow. Is that your phone ringing? Lice! Of course… I understand you have to pick your child up before they infest every kid at summer camp. Did you say you think you’re out of laundry detergent?
What is it about motherhood and the chaos that seems to accompany it! Have you lost yourself somewhere between the mud-stained shirts and the endless trail of cracker crumbs? When you close your eyes at night for the two seconds in which you are still conscious do you ever think, “My life is OUT of control.”
When my children were under five, sometimes I found the 24/7 never-ending parenting exhausting at best and life-sucking at worst. We were also living in another country which added to the stress. Thankfully, a concept I learned about living and working cross-culturally, I was able to adapt to motherhood that has helped me over and over again.
Evaluate. Evaluate. Did I say Evaluate?
First, step away from the chaos for perspective. Get a babysitter for two to three hours. Go to your favorite coffee shop, go hiking, or visit your public library. It just needs to be someplace outside your house. I process best by writing things down and thinking. You may process by talking things through. If you do then ask a good friend to go through these questions with you.
In the past six months what has stressed you out the most?
Write or speak the first things that come to mind. Is it the never-ending house chores, a particular child’s behavior, or your current job. Perhaps, it is your spouse or constant meal prep, or that unfulfilled desire to go back to school. It may be pumping or breastfeeding. For example: When my son was young, I was a stay-at-home mom. The monotony was killing me. I craved adult interaction and mental challenge. Something had to change, which brings us to the second question.
Is this something you can change? If so what are possible solutions?
Yes. NO. Maybe. Write or talk about possible solutions. In an ideal world, several solutions may present themselves. In REALITY, there might just be one solution that may take some manipulation to pull off. As a couple, my husband and I had decided we wanted strong parent interaction with our children, which meant being home for our son. Did this mean I had to solely do this? NO. We were able to rearrange my husband’s schedule so I could work part-time at a hospital. It caused schedule stress, but in the end, I was happier. Happy Mom…those toilets might actually get scrubbed. Bonus: My son got extra time with his dad.
What if you can’t change it?
This is hard. Ok, that is my Minnesota polite way of saying…sometimes, the things LIFE brings us is a continuous living nightmare where zombies, werewolves, and vampires seem like a better alternate reality. Being able to identify that major stress at least allows us to ask for help.
The only change we may be able to make is to join other people facing the same issue. This may be informal or formal support. It may mean, being vulnerable with friends and letting them know you don’t have it all together. For others, it may mean considering professional counseling or joining a support group focused on your need. The Mom’s groups I attended when my kids were little, were instrumental in helping me keep my sanity. Maybe a Neighborhood Rochester Moms Blog group is a good fit for you?
What about Deferred Dreams?
I think this is a big one for moms. You worked so hard getting your degree or you have these unfulfilled desires that you want to accomplish. EVEN when you love your children to the Milky Way Galaxy and back… resentment can set in. Don’t toss it all away, your kids need you. Start small, make one change that fulfills this desire. About five years ago, I started to write. I finally listened to a nagging thought that had been present for several years, finally, I just sat down at a computer and began. I found out I loved it! Step out and choose something fulfilling for you.
What about the Chaos?
Amazingly, I found if I was keeping on top of my major stressors my capacity to deal with the unexpected moments of parenthood was far greater. Spilled milk. NO problem. Note from school about head lice… let’s eradicate those pests. Mounds of laundry…let’s simplify. Four-year-old snaps her tibia and fibula on a trampoline. SHEER PANIC. There will always be a bit of crazy. This is motherhood after all.
