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Rochester Local

I Was Mom-Shamed: How I Confronted It

*Originally published February 2020*

child with tabletOur little family has settled into a tradition on Friday evenings. Adam and I pick up Fritz from school and head over to Wildwood for their (amazing) happy hour. We chat with Fritz about his week, devour their delicious boneless wings, and Adam and I sip on a beer or two. 

About a month ago, I expected our night to go like any other. We grabbed Fritz, put our name on the waitlist via the Wildwood website, and headed over. As we pulled up, we got a text that our table was ready, so I ran in to grab it with the diaper bag and Fritz’s iPad. Adam parked and carried Fritz in. Fritz just turned two in January, so on a Friday night, his temperament can range from excited to enraged. 

As Adam and Fritz sat down, I could tell we might be dealing with an angsty toddler, while he squirmed in his highchair as we got settled. I asked if he wanted to watch either Peppa Pig or Little Baby Bum on his iPad and he said “peeeeeeeease!” 

A few minutes prior, I had noticed a woman staring at our table. I thought maybe she was looking around and tried to convince myself she wasn’t throwing dirty glances my way. Once I set the iPad in front of Fritz, I couldn’t ignore her, halfway across the restaurant, brutally describing my failures as a mother.

That is SO sad!

Maybe if that child were four or five, it would be fine!

I can’t believe the parents these days. How could they give their child a tablet?

My gosh…some parents! Unbelievable!

I found myself up on my feet. Before exiting our booth, I glanced at Adam, and he had a look of sheer panic across his face. I’m not sure I had fully processed what I was doing, but suddenly here I was face to face with this woman, and she looked shocked and horrified. 

 

 

I felt a deep sense of calm as I spoke to her. “Hi. I just wanted to let you know I can hear you across the restaurant talking about my parenting, and I have to let you know it hurts my feelings.” At this point, she started to deny it, and I stopped her. “Listen. I know I’m a good mom, my child goes to school, he is smart, and sometimes if necessary, he gets screentime. It is what works for us.” I then asked her if she was a mother, she replied yes, and I said, “You must be doing everything perfectly, have a good night.” I walked away.

That was the end of it. I wasn’t mad or upset or bitter. I knew that if I didn’t stand up for myself that I would carry this with me for a while, and it would make me angry. I would have spent the rest of the weekend talking about the lady who was so rude and judgemental. Instead, I just really wanted her to know that she hurt my feelings. That as a mother, it was not right to judge me and that she should know better and try to do better as a woman. 

 

When we asked our lovely server for the check, she replied that our bill had been paid. I honestly was shocked. It was unnecessary, but very much appreciated. I hope that it meant this woman learned something about judging others, realized that words can be powerful, especially for a first-time mother. Truth be told, her opinion of me and my parenting was none of my business, but she made it mine when she (trying not to be dramatic here) screamed it across a restaurant. I felt like I needed to defend our decision on why we are okay with Fritz watching his iPad sometimes. He is two and has learned his numbers, letters, shapes, and colors from educational programs. He also has learned a lot about construction equipment, which he loves! Big picture, I shouldn’t need to defend my decision to let him watch education television. 

We can preach about women supporting women as much as we want, but until I see women ACTUALLY doing it, I’ll hold off on posting quotes about it on Instagram. I don’t mean to snark about it, but I’ve never felt more judged since becoming a mother. 

Can he wear that jacket in his car seat? 

Yes! Patagonia Sweat Down jackets are actually thinner than most sweaters and compress with the car seat straps! 

He still sleeps in his Dockatot?

Absolutely! We got him a Grand because it means he sleeps 12-13 hours a night!

Did you keep him in your room for eight months?

Sure did, and we loved it! We felt so safe with him there. 

Is he still using a paci at two?

I’m on the fence about this one too, but between teething, the flu, and lots of travel, we are letting him keep it. 

Becoming a mother has been a great lesson in doing what works for my family and me. I’m so thankful that I’ve navigated the transition with confidence and the attitude that what works for us might seem foreign to someone else, and that is okay. I believe that we should respect and celebrate the differences in parenting. What I do for my child is no better or worse than what you do for yours, and I think that is amazing. 

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