“Mummy, I think I have a cold sore!” “Mummy, what is the easiest way to figure out my work availability with my refereeing duties and classes?” “Mummy, how can I be present and supportive for my girlfriend even when I don’t know what to say?” These are examples of statements or questions that could come my way on any given day from my children.
My children call me “mummy,” and I insist on being called “mummy” when they try using a different variation of the word. I grew up calling my mother “mummy,” so that is what I prefer my children call me.
The title of mom, mummy, mum, and many others that we use or prefer to be called carries many responsibilities. It has come to my realization that one of these responsibilities is to be flexible to our children’s changing needs. Whether we are raising older or younger kids, many children or one child, the needs of each particular child may vary from one moment to the next. Their needs from us can be seasonal, age, situation, or mood related. Sometimes we think we know the type of love response they need and other times we figure it out as we go.
As a mother, I have learned that I need to adjust my expectations of what I think my children need. Instead, I have to meet my children in the manner they need to show love toward them. We express love toward our children whether they are doing well, misbehaving, having tantrums or mood-swings, and even when they are totally misbehaving and making bad choices. I may not know which version of mummy they need in that moment; I may discover it as we interact, or they may just tell me. There may be an instance when I want to lecture my child or think they need a life lesson after they made a mistake, when all they really need is my presence or listening ear.
We sometimes jump into a situation ready to lecture, yell, or reprimand our children when it may not be the right time to redirect that child in that manner. Do not get me wrong, it is always good to lead our children and guide them well in love, but it is useful to do it when they are in a teachable frame of mind. Sometimes they receive that clearly after they have settled in their mood or even when we as mothers have given our moods time to simmer down.
When I was raising my sons who are now grown, there was a lot of redirection, warnings, and even spankings. We look back at those days and chuckle knowing that it was all part of parenting. I am currently parenting two young men who are 19 and 22 respectively, while also raising a 10 year old girl. The manner in which I parent her is different from how I parented her brothers when they were her age. This has a lot to do with time having elapsed, and a little experience picked up along the way on my part with some lessons learned from mistakes made. Parenting never ends; it transitions and is constantly being modified.
While as mothers we may claim to raise our children the same, I do not think we do. We love on our children based on their different personalities. I taught, disciplined, and encouraged them differently as I discovered their personalities. What worked for one child did not necessarily work for the other. As my children have moved from teenage years into young adulthood, I have noted how their maternal love needs vary from time to time. This discovery on my part has helped me be more cognizant of how I approach my children. Being aware of their moods has actually helped us as we communicate. Instead of approaching my children with what I think they need when faced with difficulty, I ask them or discern what they need from me.
My mothering and loving of my children has improved our communication and has also instilled more mutual trust and openness. I am grateful for that despite being daunting and at times difficult, being a mother continues to be increasingly rewarding. If your parental love has continued to be stressful or you feel like your children are not receptive or teachable, maybe trying a different approach is an option. Parental love cannot be a cookie-cutter adventure, because the children we raise are unique individuals with their own unique personalities.
