Growing up, I was very blessed to be close with at least one of my sets of grandparents. Though we never lived in the same state, visits were frequent and letters were a way of life. My grandmother was the best at writing letters. Actual put-a-stamp-on-it-and-it-shows-up-in-your-mailbox letters. Grammy always said that she was not the parent that she wished she could have been. But she was an incredible grandmother. She knew what to do and say in every situation, and she “saved the day” more than once during my childhood. I hear that sentiment often, actually-an individual believes he or she was a far better grandparent than a parent.
Many years ago I was browsing in a paper goods boutique in Chicago. I stumbled upon a journal series called “Between Me and You _______”. I picked up a copy of “Between Me and You Grandma” and sent it to my grandmother, hoping that she would fill it out eventually. It was a journal full of questions with blank spaces to write answers to the questions. The idea of the series was that a person buys a journal for a friend or family member that he or she wants to get to know better. Now, I knew it was a long shot, because my grandmother HATED to talk about herself. Whenever I asked her questions about her childhood or earlier life, she generally responded that she could not remember. Nonetheless, it was a cute book and, I thought, a sweet idea, so I gave it to her anyway.
As I expected, she informed me that she could not possibly fill it out, as there were so many things that she did not remember. She also informed me that she could not possibly write straight enough for her liking, and it was a nice idea, but she couldn’t do it, thankyouverymuch. Grammy was a bit of a perfectionist. Honestly, I was not even particularly disappointed, since it was the answer I expected.
However, some time later, on my 25th birthday, the journal arrived at my apartment. Completely filled out. With never-before-seen photographs. Suffice it to say that tears sprung to my eyes. Turns out Grammy remembered a lot more than she thought she did. It was full of beautiful and humorous stories and photos, told in her own perfect, matter-of-fact tone. I cherished it. Five years and SEVERAL domestic and international moves later, we were settling our family into our new home in Oklahoma. And I couldn’t find the book anywhere. Devastated, I called both my husband’s and my parents, begging them to search their houses for some of our boxes that may have stayed there by mistake. Nobody could find it; the book was gone.
I prayed that someday, somehow, someone would find it at a Good Will or something and track me down. There was more than enough identifying information in it. My grandmother passed away two years later, and though I took the loss hard anyway, it was compounded by the loss of the book of her memories and photos. I ached for just a piece of her to hold on to.
A couple of months ago, my mother was cleaning out her basement and found THE book in a box that she swears wasn’t there the last 50 times that she checked. Cue ugly cry. I read through the book again, weeping, and was reminded of everything my grandmother was. She was wise. She was matter-of-fact. There was no need to dwell on things; things happen and you move forward. She was kind. She lacked even a hint of prejudice. She was frugal. She was generous. And she was always, always, always ahead of her time.
Through her writing, my grandmother reminded me how much wisdom we have to gain from the generations ahead of us. She reminded me that maybe, just maybe, I can get this parenting thing right the first time. Maybe I’m not doomed to be a grandparent before I enjoy my kids and make good parenting decisions; maybe I can be the parent that I want to be now. I can listen and learn from others, rather than learning everything the hard way. I was fortunate to have a grandmother whose example is worth following, but I am only too aware that not everyone does. Seek wisdom wherever you can find it. Maybe you have a grandmother, or a mother, or mother-in-law, aunt, neighbor, or mama-friend that you admire. Be vulnerable enough to be teachable-both for the sake of you as a mama and for you as a person.
I will leave you with words from my grandmother. Perhaps someone needs to hear them today. In response to the question, “In what ways has life surprised you the most?” Grammy says,
“I can’t say that I have been real surprised by anything yet. But I am amazed that I have lived so long and that time goes by so fast. When I look at all that’s gone on in my life, much of it-no, most of it-I didn’t anticipate. We make our choices on a day to day basis. Sometimes good, sometimes not. It might have been better with different choices, but it might have been a whole lot worse.”
