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Rochester Local

How I Found Healing After My Traumatic Birth Experience

 

“A birth is said to be traumatic when the individual (mother, father, or another witness) believes the mother’s or her baby’s life was in danger, or that a serious threat to the mother’s or her baby’s physical or emotional integrity existed”(source).  Between 25 and 34 percent of births are reported by mamas as being traumatic.  A mother’s response to birth trauma is generally similar to that of a person who experiences post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Trauma from birth is not simply caused by the outcome.  Commonly, birth trauma is a result of maltreatment, disrespect, a lack of consent given for a procedure/intervention/action, withheld information later understood, a misunderstanding of what happened which ignited fear/anger/sadness, or verbal or physical abuse.  There isn’t one equation for what’s deemed a traumatic birth – trauma is, essentially, in the eye of its beholder.  In birth, one sequence of events may be a great experience for one person, but a traumatic experience for another.

That statistic above is an alarming amount of trauma, and sadly, I’m a part of that statistic in regards to my first son’s birth experience.

woman on beach

About a week and a half after that birth, a provider used the word “trauma” to describe what I was feeling.  I specifically remember telling my husband after the appointment that “trauma” seemed a bit dramatic for what we’d experienced.  But, as time marched on, I eventually realized that what I was processing was, undoubtedly, trauma.

I was waking up in the middle of the night with a racing heart thinking through the words and tone the midwife used with me.  I would be rocking my baby to sleep and think about our experience, then break into sobbing spells of crying that shook my whole body and frequently had me crumpled on our bathroom floor.  And I would feel emotionally numb for days after someone told me, in response to our story, “but you have a healthy baby and that’s all that really matters.”

I refused to believe that’s how a woman should feel after the experience of giving birth to her baby.  And I’ve since learned that, without a doubt, no matter the physical pain, emotional toll, and overwhelming process healthy birth requires, we are not meant to be scarred by birth in such a way as 25-34% of mothers now do.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…it’s okay to feel simultaneously joyous over and traumatized by your birth experience at the same time.  There are parts of my story that I absolutely love, and there are parts that were terrible.  A birth story is a unique place where both can be felt and neither is wrong.

I want to be clear here – birth trauma isn’t “just part of the experience.”  Yes, childbirth is painful, but it’s not meant to be traumatizing.  Trauma is a thief, and birth is precisely meant to be life-giving.

It took a couple of years for me to get to a place of healing after my traumatic birth experience.  If you too have experienced birth trauma, I want you to know that you will never forget your experience, but you can have peace and healing.

That place of healing will look different for every person because each mama’s experience is unique and so is she.  So this is not a “do these things and you’ll be healed” sort of guarantee.  Rather, this is my own personal journey and in sharing it, I hope that if you too are suffering from trauma (no matter how long ago your birth was), you too can find healing and hope.

These were parts of my journey that helped to heal my soul…

  • Processed. Processed. Processed.  I talked through my experience countless times.  I sought after honest, vulnerable conversations with trustworthy loved ones and birth work professionals.
  • I wrote a letter to the care provider who hurt me. After revising it many times and letting it sit on my computer for months, I chose to give it to her.  I did this with the full belief that her response to it didn’t matter to me – I didn’t need her to say anything to make this process more healing – in fact, I asked her not to respond.  Writing that letter was profoundly healing for me, and knowing that she then heard exactly what I needed her to know washed a sense of peace over me like nothing else did.
  • I recognized that my feelings were not wrong.  While for life in general, I believe we are not meant to act upon all our feelings (because our feelings constantly mislead and betray us).  However, I knew then and know now that our feelings about birth are never wrong – they should be felt and explored and worked through.
  • I journaled.  Just for my own sake, I wrote out my thoughts and feelings whenever I felt a need to process more.  Feelings and emotions don’t always “make sense” or are ever purely logical, so it was important that I sorted through immediate feelings by writing.
  • I expressed my emotions. I cried when I needed to, asked hard questions when I needed to, let healthy doses of anger be felt, relished the joy and empowerment, and sat (uncomfortably) in the confusion.
  • I took care of myself.  When we’re working through anything difficult in life, it can sometimes (often subconsciously) lead to isolation and neglect.  Blessedly, I was aware of this, and I was very intentional about seeking friendships and caring for relationships, went for walks outside every day (literally – a major perk of living in CA), ate well, and prayed all throughout each day.
  • I remembered the positive aspects of the experience because it was not all bad.
  • I filed a formal report.  I hesitate to share this one, but here we are and it’s part of my story.  I hope the provider never ever again has an incident of negligence (or worse), but if so, I felt responsible for protecting that other person by ensuring a record of wrong was officially on the provider’s record.  We were advised to pursue further litigation, but that only lead me to this next step…
  • I sought (and found) forgiveness.  Not because the provider said she was wrong or that she was sorry, but because in my own heart, I was able to truly forgive her.
  • I became an advocate.  My first birth experience was my first fuel for the work I do now, the avenue to providing encouragement, truth, and evidence-based care for mamas and their families.

There are probably five more posts I could write about traumatic birth, but instead, I’ll leave us with this…

Birth trauma doesn’t have to define you.  It doesn’t have to take control of you whenever you think of or talk about your experience.  And, mama, if you were in any way traumatized by your own birth, I hope with all I am that you find healing, too.

beach path

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