Before becoming a mom, I had feeding babies all figured out:
- I would breastfeed until all my littles were at least one.
- As long as I took the breastfeeding class and did everything “right” I would have no issues feeding my baby.
- This was going to be the most beautiful time in my life.
These three ideas came to a startling crash the moment I became a mom. March 6, 2013, it happened. Charlie gracefully entered the world with a beautiful cry. Labor and delivery were flawless; however, feeding Charlie wasn’t as easy.
Feeding Charlie.
Between wrong latches, lack of help, jaundice and my pride-the first two weeks were the most stressful time in my life.
Every time I tried to feed Charlie, we would both end in tears.
Finally, after 2 painful and terrible weeks, I decided to pump exclusively. I was a milk machine putting out almost 8 ounces every 2 hours. We quickly needed to invest in a chest freezer to store breast milk. Charlie was happy. I was happy. My pump was happy…
This wasn’t exactly how I planned things to go, but it worked for us. That was until I went back to work.
I was teaching at this point in my life and starting a brand new position in a new district. My supervisor, a male, didn’t quite understand what a pumping mother needed. He showed me to my “pumping space”. It was a dark, dingy staff bathroom that staff refused to use for actual bathroom purposes. There was no chair. There was no outlet. It was not going to work. I was so scared to say anything, so I didn’t. I stopped pumping that second.
Luckily, we had enough stored milk to feed Charlie until he was almost 12 months old.
Feeding William.
Fast forward almost 3 years–Our second son, William, was born early. Therefore, feeding William was difficult from the start. He didn’t have the proper development to effectively latch on and successfully eat.
Eventually, we decided the SNS (supplemental nursing system) was the best option at this point. I would pump, connect myself to the SNS pieces, breastfeed and then start the process over again. It was exhausting but doable. My husband was so supportive and helped with everything. However, when we came home from the hospital, it was incredibly difficult to maintain this.
I stopped SNS after about 8 days and began breastfeeding William every 2 hours from start to start. It took him nearly an hour to eat so I would get an hour in between feedings.
Charlie (then almost 3) began exhibiting behaviors we never saw before! He was demanding attention in the naughtiest of ways.
After 2 months of this, I distinctly remember standing in front of the bathroom mirror. The tears flowed down my already tear stained cheeks, my clothes were covered in milk and spit up, my hair was in a rat’s nest and was in dire need of a good wash. I texted my momsquad girls that I didn’t know what to do anymore, I was losing my mind. They gave me the permission I needed to hear at that time, it was ok to stop. William would be ok, but he would not be ok if I continued to stress myself out like this.
I began pumping exclusively again. Until I went back to work that is…
I went back to work at 3 months. I had a new supervisor this time around. She was SO supportive, and I was more assertive with my needs. I used her office 3 times a day to pump. However, my coworkers were very unsupportive. They would call/text/rattle the door handle every time I would pump, thinking they were being funny. I was so stressed and anxious every time I pumped, my milk dropped drastically. After a month of this, I quit pumping.
Feeding Lucy
Everything was different with Lucy from the start. I had a planned cesarean (due to William’s emergency c-section) that was as “natural” as it could possibly be. The second they handed her to me, she latched right on. That’s where she stayed for the next 3 months. I breastfed that baby girl on demand for as long and as often as she wanted.
She went everywhere with me. I refused to give her a bottle or a nuk because I was so scared it would ruin the beautiful thing we had going.
For the past 10 months, I have been attached to my little girl’s side night and day. It has been hard and exhausting yet beautiful and exactly what I wanted.
All three of my babies were fed differently. BUT all of my babies were happy, healthy and had a loving mama by their side. Society puts so much pressure on moms to perfect and “do it all”, but this mama wants you to know, as long as you love your children and try to do what’s best for them, you ARE doing it all!
