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Rochester Local

What NOT to say to a Newborn Mom (and things to say instead.)

 life with a newborn, new mom, newborn mom, things to say instead, what not to say

Dear Friend, 

You have a heart of gold. Your intentions are wonderful. You see a new mama struggling with the newborn life, and you want to offer a quick word of encouragement. You remember how hard that stage was, you know they will get through it, and you also want them to enjoy it as much as they possibly can. 

You open your mouth to say a few meaningful words that will be a bright spot in their day…and out pops the infamous, “It goes by so fast, enjoy it while you can!” 

You may go on your way with a smile on your face, while that newborn mom walks on with yet another tick mark on her New Mom’s Bingo Card: Annoying Things I Heard Today Edition. (That should be a real game though. With prizes. Someone make that happen.)

Here’s the thing, sweet friend who only means well: WE KNOW.

We KNOW it goes by fast. We KNOW we should be enjoying every moment with our teeny tiny human. We KNOW we’ll come out on the other end still alive and hopefully still somewhat recognizable. But that doesn’t change the fact that in this moment we are absolutely and utterly exhausted. We are still reeling from the transition, sometimes from the birth itself, and more often than not from sleep deprivation

We need a nap, a decent meal, and a good cry, not a reminder that we should be enjoying this short time more than we are. 

I’m not upset at you. I really do believe your heart is in the right place. But as someone who still has a young child and is planning for another newborn soon, allow me to offer some replacements for the commonly-heard and often-frustrating phrases newborn mamas hear every single day. 

Instead of this: “It goes by so fast, enjoy it while you can!” 

Try this: “You are doing a fabulous job. Hang in there.”

Instead of this: “Sleep when the baby sleeps! You need your rest!”

Try this: “It’s a really exhausting time. Can I do anything for you?”

Instead of this: “Make sure you are eating well and taking care of yourself too!”

Try this: “Can I bring you a meal/hold the baby while you shower/give you a break for an hour?”

Instead of this: “Don’t worry, breastfeeding will help you lose the baby weight!”

Try this: “You are a powerful goddess that just grew and birthed an actual human. Here, have some ice cream.” 

Instead of this: “Your hormones should settle down soon and you won’t be so emotional!”

Try this: “You are a powerful goddess that just grew and birthed an actual human. Here, have some ice cream.” 

Now friend, I am not going to tell you not to give us advice. If you have children, your advice is often rather welcome! But please, offer empathy before offering solutions. Offer a shoulder to cry on or a helping hand before offering a gentle, “Have you tried…?” I cannot tell you how many new mothers have thanked me for simply accepting and acknowledging their emotions. It’s powerful stuff.

Yes, babies are wonderful. Yes, you probably miss that little baby squish stage. Yes, you know that in many ways it’s actually much easier to care for a new baby than it is to handle a stubborn toddler or guide a reckless teenager. But you also must remember the feelings of total exhaustion, confusion, and frustration that come with caring for a fragile human that can’t talk yet. Those feelings are real, and for some women they are much stronger than for others. 

One of the things my mom told me that impacted me the most as a new mother was something I have also told several other new mom friends. She just said, “Wait for the 3’s and 6’s. Three weeks, six weeks, three months, and six months. It will get easier around each of those times.” She didn’t tell me to enjoy it while it lasted. She didn’t act like it wasn’t hard. She just gave me a tangible time frame to hang onto and hope for. And you know what? It was true. And even though when my son was a month old I told her through tears that I didn’t think I could make it another two months to that three month mark, I did. Then I made it to six months, then a year, then two years…and now I’ll be starting all over again when my son is just over three. 

This time around, I probably WILL enjoy it a bit more. I know more what to expect, I have family closer, and I have a better understanding for how fast the time does go by. But I can guarantee you I will have exhausting days when I will feel that the sleepless nights will never end. 

So, dear friend with the heart of gold…if you see me this fall with a newborn and you are wondering what to say, try this: “You are a powerful goddess that just grew and birthed an actual human. Here, have some ice cream.” 

 

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