People are good. I have seen so much love from my network of friends and family in the past few weeks, and I am amazed. I found out in February that my husband and I were expecting our third child. We were excited and felt ready to have our last baby. I shared the news with close friends and family and everyone was happy. After a few weeks and a great 8-week check up where we saw our little bean’s heartbeat, we told a few more friends. We were excited, we shared with our small group from church and made plans to tell our grandparents around Easter. Things were going great, and I assumed, would continue to progress smoothly as had been with our first two babies.
On Good Friday, my husband and I went to the doctor for my next OB appointment. I sat happily with my husband telling the doctor I felt nausea and fatigue, assuming it meant a healthy pregnancy. However, during the ultrasound neither the doctor nor the tech were able to find a heart beat. My husband and I were shocked, disappointed and sad. We delivered the news slowly to our friends and families, and I have been amazed by the outpouring of love. Our house was filled with flowers, cards and food from the many people who showed their support after our miscarriage. My phone was lighting up with texts and phone calls from friends and family. But, in the midst of all this love, I also needed to feel, show and see grace.
First, I needed grace for myself. I was so worried I had done something to cause the miscarriage. I went back in my head and thought of all the days I drank two things of caffeine, instead of one. I remembered the stretch of a few days where I completely forgot my prenatal vitamin. I asked my husband many times, “Do you think I drank too much caffeine?”My anxiety about this didn’t stop until I asked a friend who was dropping off dinner, and I loved her response, “Hannah, you would need to drink a lot of caffeine to be concerned, nothing you did caused this.” And I knew this was true, because I had not gone over the recommended amount of caffeine by my previous OB. I also thought back to my first daughter and how I didn’t even know I was pregnant until around 7 weeks, so I completely missed the boat on those early prenatals and caffeine limitations. I needed to extend grace to myself because I had a tough time being the one who was responsible for the baby’s well-being.
Second, I needed to show grace to others. People do not always know what to say when you miscarry. We can’t always assume everyone reads blogs daily to get the scope on what is offensive. And furthermore, what bothers one person may not bother the next. Learning to handle candid remarks of others is a life skill, one that requires grace and love. I truly believe most people speak with heartfelt compassion, and to decimate their attempts at sympathy isn’t showing kindness. Grace and kindness go hand-in-hand.
Lastly, I needed to see God’s grace. I am a Christ-follower and I believe strongly in the omnipotence of God. He is all powerful, able to do anything. Why would he allow this to happen, to anyone? As I struggled with this question, I saw God’s love pouring out and His grace extended toward me, through His people, helping me see this answer. God allows these things to happen, but He feels and understands our pain and shows His light through His people and His word. I find great comfort in knowing that my unborn baby is in the arms of my Redeemer. My God shows grace to the unborn and the broken, and I truly felt that during this hard time. I hope in sharing my experiences others who are also grieving the loss of an unborn child feel some much needed love and grace.
(For those of you who have experienced miscarriage or stillbirth, Rochester MN Moms Blog has a special place on our site to honor the memory of our little ones. For those of you who are struggling with grief and need someone to listen, or if you have any questions about grief or child loss, we also have an anonymous “Ask The Counselor” service on Rochester MN Moms Blog.)
