One early August evening, my husband and I were caught completely off-guard. We found out I was pregnant again! The news shocked and scared me. We were doing what we could to prevent an unplanned pregnancy, but here we were, staring at those two pink lines. My initial reaction was to cry. So, cry I did. This wasn’t in our plans. I wasn’t ready to be a mom to TWO kids! I still wanted my time alone with Charlie, who was 18 months old at the time. After hours of crying and praying, I pulled myself together.
Then, the excitement of another baby overcame me! I started a “secret board” on Pinterest. I pinned pregnancy announcement ideas, blogs about having a toddler and a baby and maternity fashion ideas. The same anticipation I felt when I found out I was pregnant with Charlie had totally consumed me.
All the articles and books say you should wait to tell people you’re pregnant until your 2nd trimester, but there was no way I was holding out on my close friends and family. After a couple of weeks, I slipped the news to a few people. I was going on a girl’s weekend with my close college friends, so I needed my friends to know why I wasn’t drinking or feeling all that well. I also told my parents, and my husband told his. It is so fun to share this kind of news! Everyone gets so excited, and it builds on my already growing enthusiasm about adding a little bundle to our family.
Life was so good.
I was starting my 2nd full year of teaching, Charlie was starting daycare at the BEST home daycare ever, and I had this little blessing growing inside of me.
Remember that girl’s weekend I talked about earlier? That weekend arrived with much anticipation. We were all meeting in Madison, WI to explore Badgerland together. While on this trip, I started spotting and cramping. I was worried but reassured repeatedly that this is a normal sign of pregnancy. My friends, my husband and all the Google searches told me this was just fine. I continued to silently worry through the weekend…
Monday morning at 3am (60 hours since spotting began), when I was having yet another sleepless night from worrying, I called the OB triage line. The nurse on the other end clearly wasn’t empathetic to my anxiety. She basically scolded me for worrying. After I hung up, I felt completely stupid. I cried myself to sleep yet again.
My first day of school with students was the following Tuesday. I tried keeping busy with work, but the feeling that something wasn’t right would not leave my mind. I’m blessed with an amazing sister-in law/friend, Mindy, who encouraged me to call OB triage again. I called on Wednesday. This time, the nurse was very concerned. She told me that any spotting over 48 hours meant that I needed to be seen immediately. I made an appointment for the following day.
My husband had to work during my appointment, but he was still convinced everything was just fine, so he did not plan to take off work to be with me.
Thursday came. I was going to see a doctor I had never seen before. I worked with the midwifery team with my first son. When the doctor came in, she was very cold about the entire situation. She did a vaginal ultrasound. I was scanning the screen trying to find that adorable little baby swimming around in there, but I didn’t see anything. I figured her trained eye would point it out to me, but after looking at her face for one second, I could tell something wasn’t right.
She then said flatly, “there’s no baby in there. I’ll send you for a blood test, but I’m thinking you’re no longer pregnant. That is, if you ever were...”
I was crushed. My entire body was numb. She got up and left the room, and there I sat, all alone in my paper gown on the cold examination table. I somehow found my way downstairs to get the blood test. I don’t even remember having the test done. Everything was a blur. I snapped out of it when I made it to my car in the parking ramp. It finally hit me that I was losing or had lost the baby. I sobbed uncontrollably for a good 30 minutes right there in that parking ramp. The rest of the night was a haze of crying and trying to assure Charlie that mama was ok.
My blood test came back with very low levels of the pregnancy hormone. The nurse on the phone told me I would experience heavier bleeding in the next few days, and the baby would pass. I continued to go to work every day as if nothing had changed. Only two of my coworkers knew what I was experiencing, so it was easy to pretend life was fine. But on the inside I was a mess.
Some friends were planning to come to our house for a party and evening out for my birthday that weekend. They were all concerned about me and wondering if they should still come. I figured the only way I could get through this was to keep my mind busy and try to stay positive. As my husband and I began getting ready for the party, the horrible pains began. I didn’t expect it at all. It was as if I was in labor again. I curled up in a ball as the pains came and went. The bleeding was intense as well. The nurse said this would happen, but it was so much worse than I imagined.
I woke up exhausted and overcome with grief. Charlie’s bright little face helped to lift my mood. I figured the worst of the physical pains of miscarriage had passed. I was still bleeding, but it was tolerable now. Friends and family came to our house for the party, and my mind was on other things. It was strange to sit in a room full of people I’m so close to and only having a handful of them know what was happening to me. I was starting to feel normal, and everyone was working so hard to lift my spirits.
Later however, the bleeding intensified. I started to get a little concerned and called the nurse line. The nurse wanted me to wait an hour and call back to see how I was doing. My friend sat up with me as I tried to calm myself. After about 10 minutes, she thought we should wake my husband up and get me to the hospital. She said I was completely white, and I was feeling very dizzy.
I went to OB triage. I was so relieved because I was assigned to the midwife on call. The midwife who was on call was one we had seen a lot when I was pregnant with Charlie. She was so calm and compassionate with me. She had to do a small procedure, and then the bleeding slowed to almost nothing. As she sat with me, she calmly explained what was going to continue to happen to my body over the next week or so. Before she left, she gave me a small baby blanket with an angel embroidered on it. The entire time she was with me, I felt like she understood fully the grief I was experiencing.
We got home around 6am Sunday morning. We were scheduled to sing/play for worship that morning. It was my birthday and the first day of our new worship service, but I felt like a zombie. but I knew I needed to go. The worship service was packed, and my family was all there. I didn’t know if I could go through with singing, but the service went off without a hitch. I was going to be okay. We were going to get through this. After that weekend, I needed to get back to my life. I went to work right away and tried to get past the situation with as few people knowing as possible. It seemed to me that miscarriages are not often talked about, so I shouldn’t talk about mine. It was over with, and I needed to move on.
Moving on was easier said than done. I found several blogs from other woman who had gone through situations similar to me. Their stories helped me immensely. They helped me to realize that talking about my miscarriage was okay. It was healing. It was then that I decided to write about my experience.
So, here I am.
The calendar on our fridge will always have a heart drawn on April 28th. I still grieve the loss of this little baby I never held, but God had other plans for our family.
We have now added another little boy, William, to our lives. He is almost 2, and he fills our lives with a love we didn’t know existed. We will also be having another baby in just 20 more weeks.
Sometimes I feel guilty for still grieving our loss. We have been blessed with two healthy boys, so why am I still so sad? Because I carried that baby every second if it’s life, and I will love that baby for every second of mine.
