October is National Pregnancy and Infant Awareness Loss month. Statistics vary but about ¼ women will experience a miscarriage.
I myself have experiences with pregnancy loss. My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at 6 weeks.
When I experienced my first miscarriage, I was a young newlywed wife living a state away from friends and family. I didn’t know anyone who had ever had a miscarriage before and felt very alone, scared and uncertain. While in the waiting room, an older woman who I barely knew shared her story of pregnancy loss with me. To know I wasn’t alone in my experience gave me comfort and hope.
It was in that waiting room that I found out that pregnancy loss is a sisterhood that you don’t want to belong to. Usually you have no idea who’s in the club until you find yourself thrust into it.
Miscarriage is something that is not talked about enough in our culture. Women often feel shame and blame, that somehow something they did resulted in the pregnancy loss. Beyond that, it makes people uncomfortable to talk about pregnancy loss, they don’t know what to say or are afraid of saying the wrong thing to someone who has experienced a loss.. I can inform you of a few things not to say, EVER.
- It’s just a blob of cells and wasn’t really a baby yet.
- You will have more kids.
- Be thankful for the kids you already have.
- Better now than later on in pregnancy.
- It’s for the best, maybe there was something wrong with the baby.
The biggest way to show love and support is to acknowledge the loss, no matter how many weeks along a momma is or what your own personal beliefs are on when life begins. The simple act of saying, “ I’m really sorry for your loss” is huge. For women who have lost babies to stillbirth or shortly after birth, remembering their child’s name and talking about the baby will be painful but will also bring gladness to their heart. Don’t be afraid to talk about the baby, seriously, as momma’s we want to talk about our baby, even if it hurts.
Express your sympathy and love through a card, meal, watching children, cleaning their house, running errands, delivering flowers, performing a random act of kindness or whatever else you can think of!
I will never forgot the day of my D&C, laying on the couch recovering at home when the doorbell rang. My husband answers the door and came back with a beautiful bouquet of flowers. But to me it was more than a bouquet of flowers, it was an expression of love and support from a friend. Her way of saying “I can’t be there for you in person, and I don’t really know what you’re going through, but I love you. I am here for you.” A simple gesture, but one that deeply touched my heart. Sixteen years later it still brings tears to my eyes when I think about it.
Fast forward a few years to when I had an ectopic pregnancy and I need to go to the emergency room immediately. Thankfully, our wonderful neighbors across the street took our three children in on Father’s Day afternoon. I am sure they did not expect that they would end up keeping them overnight but they did. Once again, such a simple gesture but so helpful to us during that difficult time. After the surgery I had wonderful friends from church provide meals for my family. Not having to worry about making dinners was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders while I recovered.
Pregnancy and infant loss is hard, angry, sad, scary and an isolating time. Most women will not ask for help with meals, cleaning, childcare or a listening ear. And usually after a week or two, it quiets down, the meals taper off and people carry on. Keep checking in, being there, even when it’s hard and you don’t know what to say or do.
And if you are the mom who has experienced pregnancy or infant loss, you never know when your experience and story will need to be shared with another woman, like myself when I was a young 22-year-old sitting in a waiting room experiencing a miscarriage. You bravely offering your story will bring comfort, strength, hope and a kind welcome into a sisterhood no one wants to belong to.
