I spent 14 years devoted to other people’s children. Twenty-six years ago I stood up in a room full of eighth-graders, terrified, but eager to teach them all I knew about literature and writing. I loved those kids, and I loved my work. But I never doubted that when I had my own children, my first choice would be to stay at home with them.
Fast forward, and my dream is my reality. I’m at home with two kids. We have our routine of diapers and laundry and feeding. Occasionally, I throw in a grammar lesson or two.
Before I know it, full-day school is looming on the horizon, and this SAHM is getting excited. Everyone is potty-trained, but I am still preparing their food and washing their clothes. And those verbal kids can express themselves; they can talk back! For every cranky outburst, I think, with great relief, “Any day now, I will get my life back. I will have time for me.”
I have big plans. Solo trips to Target, coffee with friends, maybe even a mid-day movie! Big plans. So enormous. I am going to accomplish amazing things! I will sort and file and archive bins of precious artwork. I will fill the baby books with pages of cute anecdotes. I will create photo books capturing every milestone. I will toss or donate all the clutter that has been accumulating for years. I might even have a garage sale!
And then my son, my baby, goes to school ALL DAY. I am paralyzed. I fall into a great big fog of sadness.
He doesn’t help matters when he jumps into the car with a week of first grade under his belt, exclaiming, “I wish you worked and we had a nanny who picked us up every day.”
And that’s when I really start to cry and shout, “I gave up a 14-year teaching career for you kids, and now you want a nanny instead of me?”
My sweet daughter, bless her heart, turns to her brother and says, “Stop asking for a nanny. You’re making mommy cry.”
For those of you embarking on this next chapter of motherhood, here’s my advice: be prepared for the unexpected. You may be back-flipping and cartwheeling around the living room. Or you may be a weeping mess. But for anyone who is a little fragile (and aren’t we all?), the empty house can throw you for a loop.
Your kids will eat breakfast while you’re making their school lunches. Hours once passed before the second meal prep began. Now there is no transition. Plus, lunchtime arrives, and you realize you’re alone at the table.
I’ve discovered a lot doesn’t change when you are home alone and your children are in school all day. Your kids aren’t home, but the laundry never goes away. The groceries don’t magically appear in the kitchen. Ditto meals on the table. The work is the same. It’s just a little quieter. A little lonelier.
My son? He’s starting 3rd grade this fall. Countless cups of kid-free coffee have been consumed with friends. I’ve taken numerous trips to Target by myself, but I still haven’t been to see that matinee. Those baby books? The pages are nearly empty. And even now my house could use a little decluttering.
So it turns out I don’t know what a SAHM does when her kids go to school all day. I only know it’s a little scary. But I’m going to be okay. My days are full but a little empty, too. Learning to navigate the silent space that was once filled with noise and chaos takes time.
And when all else fails, get a dog. I did!
