Oh, how I love the feeling I get as I approach school; when my heart races as my eyes dart around looking for which teacher is going to pull me aside that day. My son has struggled with his at-school behavior since he was a toddler. Every single day through daycare, preschool, elementary and now middle school, I have cautiously entered the building, wondering if it was going to be “one of those” days. These face-to-face encounters sometimes come in the form of phone calls and emails. Occasionally we are asked to come to the school for a meeting with any variety of teachers or school leaders he’s offended.
A good kid, but…
Let me start by saying that he is a really great kid. He’s academically-minded, social, kind, and genuinely respectful of others. However, when he has the opportunity to be a showman in front of a group, he only has one thing on his mind – entertaining the audience. He does this during inappropriate times in class. He’ll take things too far and, despite asking him to stop multiple times, the teacher is unable to get him to focus. He often has to be forced to leave the room in order to pull himself together. He has matured since the days of refusing to nap or be quiet at daycare, but the situation basically remains the same. Daily, I have to prepare myself for the inevitable interaction with one of his teachers either by e-mail, phone, or in person.
How It Started
When he was 3 and in daycare, there were days where my husband or I would get multiple phone calls at work. The center’s director would give us a detailed play-by-play of each entire interaction. We were first-time, overly concerned parents. We didn’t question the appropriateness of the calls. All we could do was bring him home and punish him for whatever problems he caused during the day. Little did we know that the time for punishment or even useful discussion about his behavior had passed. We became miserable parents. After working all day, we wanted to come home and enjoy our little boy, but we couldn’t.
We gradually came to an understanding as he grew. Punishing him for something he did hours before – while not in our care, was pointless. We learned to emphasize the importance of good behavior while trying to not let all the pressure fall onto our shoulders.
What is the goal?
While we are happy to meet with teachers and brainstorm solutions, as parents, we have little additional control or influence over his behavior at school. The overall burden of controlling his choices at school does not belong to us. We have always been hands-on parents, and we take the responsibility of raising well-behaved children very seriously. Now that our son is in middle school, he interacts with up to seven teachers during one day of school. This means that we could receive that many emails or updates in the hallway on a daily basis. I understand that schools must have a set of escalating consequences for bad behavior, and notifying parents is going to be on that list. Sometimes all we need are some clear expectations. This requires a level of open communication with the teacher, which can be difficult. After all, they have 20+ other children to attend to at one time, and I have a busy work and volunteer schedule. It can be hard to coordinate, but when the parents are willing to try, the teacher usually will do what they can as well.
Keeping your Sanity
The most important lesson we’ve learned in this process is to not take anything personally. This is not easy. Isn’t a badly behaving child a reflection on me as a parent? No, it isn’t. Your child’s behavior is a reflection of many factors: your parenting, their environment, the teacher, the child’s learning abilities, and many other things. The best way to achieve success is for you to listen. Don’t rush to judgement on the teacher or your child. Ask questions, and listen to the answers with an open mind. There may be a solution within them that you’ve never considered. Never ever stop enjoying your child, and do not feel guilty for it. A fulfilling family life will give your child a greater chance for success, and they should feel loved and safe in their home, no matter how things go during the day at school.
