Every year before summer begins, I have great expectations of an awesome, fun-filled summer–BUT not too filled, you see, because I need some blank space on my calendar. Unlike Taylor Swift, I’ve got a blank space, baby, and I’d like to keep it that way.
My husband has figured out that I have Calendar Claustrophobia. When there is too much stuff on my calendar, it starts to cause me anxiety, I feel trapped, and I freak out. I’m not big on routine or structure; I don’t like feeling boxed in or when my calendar is busy.
To survive the school year “routine,” I dream of summer and an unscheduled life with no structure, three months of warm sunny days, nothing we HAVE to do, and nowhere we HAVE to be. So when my summer calendar starts to look like my school year calendar, full of activities (yes, even fun activities), visits from family and friends, and even vacations, I freak out a little. Or a lot. During the first week of summer break, I possibly had a hard time sleeping, and my jaw hurt from being clenched in stress. We were not even a week into summer, and I was stressed over the lack of white space on the calendar and how busy we were going to be. So I went ahead and canceled a few things on our calendar, and I may do it again in July if I’m still feeling stressed. It’s summer, I shouldn’t feel so stressed, and I really hate that we have to use a calendar so much.
In fact, I would love nothing more than to take my calendar and shove it somewhere until September. Maybe a little dramatic, but seriously, I just want to be spontaneous and unscheduled for a few months.
The hard part for me to reconcile is that the stuff on the calendar is fun stuff that we planned and want to do. Our two trips to Wisconsin Dells planned for August involve a cabin on Devil’s Lake with friends and staying at the Kalahari for a few days. Then, family will come visit us, and the cousins can play together and have fun. Good stuff, right? Yet, all I can see in August is that the days have words, and we have no free weekends which means they aren’t empty and white. I can’t see all the fun; all I can see is the unmet possibility of being spontaneous.
I want the freedom that summer offers, not having to be anywhere by a certain time. If we want to sleep in, we can. Stay in our jammies all day? Sure! Stay up late and catch fireflies and swim in our pool? Yes please! Maybe it’s a beach day, or a hiking day, cleaning and organizing day, or even an “I’m bored” kind of day. Or we could just decide to go camping one weekend, or drive somewhere we haven’t been yet, or invite some friends to stay for the weekend.
Life is already busy enough. I want the summers to be slow, easy, unplanned, full of spontaneous pool parties and cookouts, day trips just because, library outings, kids in the neighborhood putting on plays and having lemonade stands. I’ve had enough of rushing out the door, needing to be somewhere, dinner, homework, bath and bedtime, setting an alarm to get up and do it all again tomorrow on the hamster wheel of life that always seems busy.
Yet the reality is, life with kids is busy all the time with or without activities, traveling, and company staying at our home. I haven’t quite figured out how to balance my summer calendar, and chances are that I likely won’t. What I want to do is enjoy the process and embrace my calendar and all its filled-in days of glory, instead of being filled with anxiety and dread.
Because I am sure that when all the kids are gone and my man and I are looking at our summer calendar, I will wish that I had stuff filling in the pages, causing me anxiety and stress. The busy summer days will be long gone, and I will be looking at the unmet possibility of being spontaneous with a sad and wistful heart, longing for calendar claustrophobia once again. Or maybe we’ll just jump in our car one day and spontaneously drive somewhere……because our calendar is wide open, and we have nowhere to go.
